After our miscarriage, I thought that was the end of the blog. I was upset that I was so open about the pregnancy and didn’t want to be reminded of it. However, I knew that I used it as a tool to not only have that time in our lives documented for us, but living across the country from your family and friends makes it difficult for them to share that experience with you, and the blog kinda let people in. I was hesitant to write this post as I didn’t want people think I was continuously seeking attention or holding on to what happened. But then one day I didn’t give a shit and wanted to do it for me. I also feel as though the subject of miscarriage is somewhat taboo. Maybe it’s just me, but I think many just don’t know exactly what to say when a pregnancy isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. Or, maybe those that have not experienced a loss don’t really understand it. Anyways, I’m not really sure what this post will consist of, but bear with me…
I’m not going into details about everything, but I’ll give a brief overview. On September 10, Tyler and I went in for an ultrasound at 14 weeks. This is probably a weird time to get one done, but the last time we were in I was just under 10 weeks (we saw the baby and heard a strong heartbeat). I’ll be SURE that things go a little different next time at the OB, but not getting into that. Anyways, a couple of weeks before that I started feeling so much better. If you’ve read the blog before, you know I had incredible morning sickness from weeks 5-11. People told me I was feeling better because I was just about into my second trimester (I had also read from numerous sources that morning sickness and fatigue typically subsides after the first trimester). I assumed this is what was happening to me and didn’t think twice about it- I was just happy I was feeling relatively normal again! Around 12-13 weeks, I had a few thoughts as to why my stomach wasn’t a little more noticeable. I was eating enough and stupidly compared myself to others who were pregnant around the same time. However, I read and was told that everyone’s different and it depends on their body as to when they’ll really start to show. (By the way…I will not be reading or comparing myself or my symptoms to anyone ever again. One of the many things I learned from this experience). The doctor did the ultrasound and the first thing I noticed was how small the baby still was. I instantly knew something was wrong, and then I realized I heard no heartbeat. Tyler was on my other side holding my hand when the doctor told us, and I remembering saying “What?!!!” and lunging into him to hug. They may have exchanged a few words, but the doctor left the room for us to be alone for a few minutes. I don’t think I need anymore details about that…
I’ve had a few people ask what a “missed miscarriage” is. I had no idea what the hell it was either until this, but it’s basically when a pregnancy spontaneously ends and you typically have no idea. We went into the appointment thinking we might be able to find out the gender (I know it was super early, but you never know), or at least get an appointment set to find out soon. The ultrasound showed I had miscarried, yet I didn’t have any spotting or cramping so I had no idea. There are a few ways to go about miscarrying after this happens- the natural route which can take weeks, taking a pill which induces labor, or getting a D&C done. After nothing happened naturally for another week and a half after we found out (by this time it was 3+ weeks since the baby had passed), I had had enough and wanted a D&C done. I feel back to normal and have a follow up appointment on October 10.
I won’t lie. I’ve had several bouts of pity parties as to why just one thing in my life couldn’t come easy for me. Unless something similar has happened to you (just as with any experience in life), you simply can’t understand. It feels as if you were robbed of something- you had these hopes for 3 months (or however long you were pregnant for) and one day it’s taken from you. I struggled with feeling as if I did something wrong for a bit and kept thinking how people that partake in destructive behavior or are complete morons have a healthy and happy pregnancy (sorry if it sounds bitchy, but it’s true). Those thoughts get you nowhere though.I was surprised as to how many people reached out and told me their stories and it made me feel SO much less alone. I compiled a list of positive aspects of this unfortunate event which was helpful when I felt down. Tyler and I learned so much through this experience. We researched baby items for hours so we’re much more knowledgeable in that department. I have a better idea of what to expect for when/if it happens again. I won’t name off everything, but I came up with at least 15 things, and I highly suggest doing this when something completely sucky happens in your life 🙂
When/if I get pregnant again, I don’t think we will be as vocal about it. While I’m grateful for the outreach and support of people we had after our loss, I really don’t want to be questioned about names, when we’ll find out the gender, etc. again. Tyler and I both agreed that it will probably be a gift that we keep to ourselves (and just my mama) until we’re ready as it will be terrifying enough as it and don’t need any extra questions or pressure (which will probably be halfway through next time…sorry family!). This decision isn’t set in stone and we’ll just see when that time comes which could be months or a year or 2 from now, but hopefully people can respect that.
Anyways, I started this blog to document our lives here in El Paso so I have something to look back on. I plan on continuing to post what’s going on with us or random thoughts here and there; I just needed a little time away. School has been great in keeping me busy the past month, and I’m halfway through the semester! I’ll start updating my resume and looking for jobs next month or so. Hopefully I get a job making more than minimum wage 😉
Sorry for no pictures…I figured I have enough of the dogs and we haven’t done anything too exciting the past few weeks 🙂 Hope everyone has a great weekend!