Every Cloud Has a Silver Lining…

After our miscarriage, I thought that was the end of the blog. I was upset that I was so open about the pregnancy and didn’t want to be reminded of it. However, I knew that I used it as a tool to not only have that time in our lives documented for us, but living across the country from your family and friends makes it difficult for them to share that experience with you, and the blog kinda let people in. I was hesitant to write this post as I didn’t want people think I was continuously seeking attention or holding on to what happened. But then one day I didn’t give a shit and wanted to do it for me. I also feel as though the subject of miscarriage is somewhat taboo. Maybe it’s just me, but I think many just don’t know exactly what to say when a pregnancy isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. Or, maybe those that have not experienced a loss don’t really understand it. Anyways, I’m not really sure what this post will consist of, but bear with me…

I’m not going into details about everything, but I’ll give a brief overview. On September 10, Tyler and I went in for an ultrasound at 14 weeks. This is probably a weird time to get one done, but the last time we were in I was just under 10 weeks (we saw the baby and heard a strong heartbeat). I’ll be SURE that things go a little different next time at the OB, but not getting into that. Anyways, a couple of weeks before that I started feeling so much better. If you’ve read the blog before, you know I had incredible morning sickness from weeks 5-11. People told me I was feeling better because I was just about into my second trimester (I had also read from numerous sources that morning sickness and fatigue typically subsides after the first trimester). I assumed this is what was happening to me and didn’t think twice about it- I was just happy I was feeling relatively normal again! Around 12-13 weeks, I had a few thoughts as to why my stomach wasn’t a little more noticeable. I was eating enough and stupidly compared myself to others who were pregnant around the same time. However, I read and was told that everyone’s different and it depends on their body as to when they’ll really start to show. (By the way…I will not be reading or comparing myself or my symptoms to anyone ever again. One of the many things I learned from this experience). The doctor did the ultrasound and the first thing I noticed was how small the baby still was. I instantly knew something was wrong, and then I realized I heard no heartbeat. Tyler was on my other side holding my hand when the doctor told us, and I remembering saying “What?!!!” and lunging into him to hug. They may have exchanged a few words, but the doctor left the room for us to be alone for a few minutes. I don’t think I need anymore details about that…

I’ve had a few people ask what a “missed miscarriage” is. I had no idea what the hell it was either until this, but it’s basically when a pregnancy spontaneously ends and you typically have no idea. We went into the appointment thinking we might be able to find out the gender (I know it was super early, but you never know), or at least get an appointment set to find out soon. The ultrasound showed I had miscarried, yet I didn’t have any spotting or cramping so I had no idea. There are a few ways to go about miscarrying after this happens- the natural route which can take weeks, taking a pill which induces labor, or getting a D&C done. After nothing happened naturally for another week and a half after we found out (by this time it was 3+ weeks since the baby had passed), I had had enough and wanted a D&C done. I feel back to normal and have a follow up appointment on October 10.

I won’t lie. I’ve had several bouts of pity parties as to why just one thing in my life couldn’t come easy for me. Unless something similar has happened to you (just as with any experience in life), you simply can’t understand. It feels as if you were robbed of something- you had these hopes for 3 months (or however long you were pregnant for) and one day it’s taken from you. I struggled with feeling as if I did something wrong for a bit and kept thinking how people that partake in destructive behavior or are complete morons have a healthy and happy pregnancy (sorry if it sounds bitchy, but it’s true). Those thoughts get you nowhere though.I was surprised as to how many people reached out and told me their stories and it made me feel SO much less alone. I compiled a list of positive aspects of this unfortunate event which was helpful when I felt down. Tyler and I learned so much through this experience. We researched baby items for hours so we’re much more knowledgeable in that department. I have a better idea of what to expect for when/if it happens again. I won’t name off everything, but I came up with at least 15 things, and I highly suggest doing this when something completely sucky happens in your life πŸ™‚

When/if I get pregnant again, I don’t think we will be as vocal about it. While I’m grateful for the outreach and support of people we had after our loss, I really don’t want to be questioned about names, when we’ll find out the gender, etc. again. Tyler and I both agreed that it will probably be a gift that we keep to ourselves (and just my mama) until we’re ready as it will be terrifying enough as it and don’t need any extra questions or pressure (which will probably be halfway through next time…sorry family!). This decision isn’t set in stone and we’ll just see when that time comes which could be months or a year or 2 from now, but hopefully people can respect that.

Anyways, I started this blog to document our lives here in El Paso so I have something to look back on. I plan on continuing to post what’s going on with us or random thoughts here and there; I just needed a little time away. School has been great in keeping me busy the past month, and I’m halfway through the semester! I’ll start updating my resume and looking for jobs next month or so. Hopefully I get a job making more than minimum wage πŸ˜‰

Sorry for no pictures…I figured I have enough of the dogs and we haven’t done anything too exciting the past few weeks πŸ™‚ Hope everyone has a great weekend!

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14 thoughts on “Every Cloud Has a Silver Lining…

    • Kim, Jenny is right, you and Tyler do what is in your heart and best for you both and the ones who love you will love and respect your decisions, you have a strong support system and you have a very supporting and loving husband, I hope to meet him someday, I already love the guy, because he makes you so happy, must be a great guy……Love you both good thoughts I send to you always……Love ya Aunt Mary Ann and Cousin Diane

    • Thank you so much for your kind words and stopping by. It was a great treat seeing a blogger I admire so much comment! I’m looking forward to following your second pregnancy over the next several months. I love the insight and advice that I can get for the future!

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  2. I apologize that I am so late in posting on this story. Our mutual friend Lyndsay Flores sent me a link to your blog because I suffered a missed miscarriage and subsequent D&C in September when I was 11 weeks along and I am still struggling with the sad situation. She thought I might find comfort in the fact that I’m not alone.

    Our stories are very similar in that I had no idea that my pregnancy wasn’t viable until the doctor told me at my 10 week ultrasound. I had absolutely no signs of miscarriage, so the doctor suggested a D&C. It seemed like the best choice when compared to waiting for it to happen naturally or taking the labor-inducing pill. I have to admit that I had the exact same feelings that you did. I spent the subsequent months asking myself the same repetitive questions. Why me? What did I do wrong? Why are so many people who are clearly not fit to be parents having healthy pregnancies? To be honest, I still ask myself those questions. To make it worse, it seems as if there has been a pregnancy and baby boom in the last few months, only adding to my sadness and frustration.

    You’re right when you say that people don’t know how to react. So many people have a picturesque view of pregnancy; they think the next step after conceiving is always a healthy pregnancy and then a healthy baby. But that’s not always the case. And the people who have to misfortune of losing a baby to miscarriage are often left feeling isolated. I found that no amount of talking to my husband or friends made things better. They just didn’t understand and I mostly felt like a broken record. Ultimately, I just started holding the sadness in because I didn’t want to burden my loved ones with something they weren’t ever going to understand. Even worse were the people who seemed nonchalant about the whole thing, saying things like “it wasn’t the right time for you,” or “you should be thankful that you weren’t further along. A few weeks after my D&C, a co-worker who I had confided in about my situation was telling me about the Halloween party that she had to go to for her son and about how she was going to be surrounded by hundreds of elementary schoolers. When I told her that I didn’t envy her because it just seemed liked too much craziness to me, she had the audacity to say “Well, things happen for a reason. You obviously weren’t ready for kids.” I literally came thisclose to punching her in the face.

    Fast forward to today and I am doing better. I still have moments where the sadness seems overwhelming, but those times are coming less and less often as time goes on. I want to sincerely apologize for your loss as someone who truly understands what you went through. But I know that God has a plan for both of us and I will be praying for you and your husband in your journey together.

    Thank you for sharing your story and feel free to Facebook or email me if you ever want to talk.

    • I’m so glad Lyndsay referred you to my blog, Ember. I was hesitant to be so open about this part of my life, but I realized that not only has it been therapeutic for me to reflect on it, it also opens up the opportunity to connect with others that have gone through similar experiences. If I can make even one person feel less alone, that’s all that matters πŸ™‚ I’m so, so sorry to hear about your missed miscarriage. I know there are no words to say that will make the situation or pain better, but sometimes just knowing that someone else can relate to you helps tremendously. I honestly had no idea what a missed miscarriage was before everything happened. I’ve learned a lot about pregnancies as a result, and the misfortune has made me realize just how incredibly precious life is.
      I’d definitely like to stay in touch. Thank you for reaching out to me- it means more than you know and I truly appreciate it. Hope you have a wonderful weekend- and stay strong! πŸ™‚

  3. My fiancΓ© and I just miscarried at 9 months and relate so closely to your blog post! Thanks for posting this. I know you wrote this a long time ago, but it is so applicable to be right now. I am glad we didn’t say anything publically, but next time we won’t be telling our friends till much later either!

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