How to Help Deal with Pregnancy Jealousy & the BFN

I haven’t written a post in a while, so here’s what’s up going on. My husband got home last Wednesday after being away for field training for six weeks, so that’s exciting! While he was gone, I did a lot of crafting, reading (What Alice Forgot, Me Before You, and Gone Girl), job searching/interviewing (which I’m happy to say has come to an end!), and relaxing. My mom and sister flew in earlier this month for a long weekend, and it was wonderful to spend four full days with my them!

Moving along…this subject may be touchy for some, but it’s absolutely real for so many women, especially nowadays since social media is such a prominent part of our lives. I want to talk about this because as I’ve mentioned before, I feel like miscarriage, infertility, and trying to conceive are all a journey that provokes SO many emotions- it’s honestly a roller-coaster. As much as I try to stay sane, logical, and keep my feelings in check, sometimes you just have to let it all out, ya know? The same can be said for any turbulent, confusing time in one’s life.

I also have to mention- what has helped me may not work for everyone since we’re obviously all different. The important thing is to not let yourself go.

So, here is my insight about not only dealing with pregnancy jealousy, but also ideas to implement when getting that big fat negative (BFN) month after month 🙂

  • Allow Yourself to Feel- Seriously. After the miscarriage, I just kept telling myself that I was okay, it could be worse, and not to cry. I was honestly afraid if I let myself feel, then I’d let myself go. Does that make sense? Sounds ridiculous, but I wanted to keep my shit together. It worked to an extent- as I’ve mentioned before, I maintained a 4.0 the entire semester with six classes. But in reality, I had some low points, and I’m blaming this on my connection with social media. It was redonkulous the amount of ladies I knew that got pregnant right after or the months following. This may sound weird, but the pregnancy announcements are the ones that bothered me. After the birth, I’m totally cool! It’s simply part of life, and while I’m happy for them, it doesn’t mean it tug at my heart a bit. Cry if you need to cry…holding things in will only may things worse.
Wrigley

Lots of Wrigley snuggles happen 🙂

  • “Hide from Newsfeed” is Your Friend- Okay, I tried disconnecting myself from Facebook all together a few times, but since I live almost 2,000 miles away from 95% of my family and friends, it’s just easier to keep in touch. I enjoy interacting and staying connected. Plus, who doesn’t like some creeping when they’re super bored? 😉 Anyways, don’t feel bad about hiding people from your newsfeed. They don’t know it, and you can always check their page every so often when you’re feeling strong. At first I assumed I was big woman and thought that utilizing this option would make me weak. Then I realized, who in the Sam hell cares! It’s better than shedding tears when signing on and seeing baby bump pics or statuses about pregnancy darn everyday, ya know? I’m sure my husband appreciates this as well, haha. And to make myself clear, I’m not dissing women who use social media as a means to post pictures, updates, complaints, or inquiries about pregnancy AT ALL. I hope one day I’m in that position.

imagesTA2JKYZC

  • Be Okay With Turning Down Invites- Unless it’s mandatory, you don’t have to attend everything you’re invited to. This may be more difficult to those that are more social (I’m not a huge social butterfly to begin with), but if you don’t feel like going and it won’t seriously offend anyone- don’t go. You don’t have to go into detail as to why you’re not going, but if you’re close to the person then simply let them know. Most people won’t give a shit, and if they do and don’t understand the circumstances, then you don’t need to surround yourself with them anyways!
  • Talk About It- I’m not talking about all day every day, but moms or other important women in your life are great resources. I may not see my mom often, but there has not been one time that I’ve called/texted her and she hasn’t been available to talk things out with me. Although our circumstances are different as she never experienced a miscarriage, she experienced secondary infertility and was put on Clomid which turned out to be successful for her. Nonetheless, she is there for me to talk things through, ask questions, and remind me that everything will be okay. She’s researched all of the testing and procedures we’ve gone through and read up on fertility issues which I’ve been very impressed about and it’s meant a lot to me. My aunt’s been great with keeping me positive as well. I can always count on her for some good laughs! My advice in this department is to not bombard others with your troubles, but talking about it will help. However, relationships are a 2 way street- don’t reach out to people when you’re in a time of need and never want to hear their problems.
600341_10101588361956838_807502537_n

Me and my mama 🙂

Also, find support groups. I found one last year strictly for Fort Bliss army wives dealing with infertility, miscarriages, and simply trying to conceive. I’ve met a couple of the girls in person, and it was awesome! We all come from different paths in life and our stories are all different, but it’s great to have female support to ask questions, give advice, and merely help you deal with time dragging ass. I have a few friends that I knew growing up and I keep in touch with on a weekly/monthly basis for support on both ends as well. It’s amazing how much I’ve learned from these ladies!

  • Stop Mugging Pregnant Ladies You See in Public- I kid you not, just like getting notified via social media that everyone you know is getting knocked up, you will notice pregnant women EVERY time you go out. Tyler noticed it, and when my sister was visiting me, she noticed it as well. This may seem silly but it was the sweetest thing- we were running errands and within a matter of a few minutes we saw at least 3 preggo ladies. She put her hand on my back and asked me if I was okay- I almost cried just because of her sensitivity! You’ll notice women with child much more often. You’ll wonder how far along they are, if they’re having a boy or a girl or want it to be a surprise, if they’re having complications, etc. But instead of thinking it should be you, send a happy thought their way, smile, and move on.

 Side Notes:

  • Buy Tampons in Bulk- Stop acting like this month will be THE month and that you only need a few to hold you over. Tyler and I have gone to Costco several times and he asked about this and I’d always say no…well, I said yes a few days ago and I feel damn good about it.
  • Don’t Think About What Month You’d Give Birth- Don’t think about it. Just stop.
  • Make It Known You’re Struggling to Conceive-  Everyone has different relationships with their family and friends, but I honestly think, why not? If people know, they’ll stop asking questions. Perhaps they will offer some support. Who knows! I’m not saying tell your entire family. Hell, I don’t think anyone besides the family members I’m close with even knew about our troubles until I opened up on here about it. But as I mentioned above, a close friend or family member or a support group will do wonders with feeling less alone and help cheer you up. I’ve become close with complete strangers and some family members never ask about a thing. Eye-opening. Oh- and don’t even bother talking to a Debbie downer about it- he/she will act like it’s no big deal.
  • Eat Everything You CAN’T When Pregnant- This includes sushi, sunny-side up eggs, and lunch meat. I know alcohol and caffeine can influence ovulation, but have a fricking drink or 3 you get your period.

This post was meant to be light-hearted, so don’t take the things I’ve said too seriously 😉 I plan on doing a post soon about what’s been going on with our treatment lately, so stay tuned!

Do you have any words of wisdom to share?

How do you cope with difficult situations (doesn’t have to pertain to just this topic)?

Advertisements

12 thoughts on “How to Help Deal with Pregnancy Jealousy & the BFN

  1. Ugh, sometimes I feel like social media is the devil. I have noticed a few times that I’ll go on fb or instagram and end up in a grumpy mood just because I saw someone having more fun than me or sharing exciting news (that I’m slightly jealous of). For that reason, I am a HUGE fan of the “hide from newsfeed” option on facebook! Sending good thoughts your way, girl 🙂

    • Haha! Glad you like the hide from newsfeed button as well. I’m sure I have plenty of “friends” who hide me on there as well (not sure why they don’t wanna see super cute pictures of my dogs and my mindless ramblings, but to each his own!).

  2. OMG, you can’t have sunny side up eggs or lunch meat when you’re pregnant? When you think you already know everything….

    I agree with you on telling people about this… best thing I did. Not everybody knows so i still get comments and questions I don’t like every now and then, but it’s good to have the support from people around you. My husband thinks its a mistake and that I shouldn’t be telling everyone, especially not putting everything online like this… he says it will come back to bite me in the ass one day… I hope not..

    PS: your comment on not caring which month you’d be giving birth on, made me look!! LOL

    • Haha, I’ve looked several times. I hate the winter (my birthday is in January), so maybe that’s why I was always curious. Although I didn’t eat anything on the “restricted” list, my doctor said you can have those foods in moderation when I was pregnant last year…but I’m just not risking it. With my luck, I’d get sick!

      Luckily my husband is completely supportive of my decision to talk about it, although he has asked what will happen when we do get a positive. I’ll share, and flat out tell people do not ask about the names or gender- EVER, haha. Some things we want to know, yet keep to ourselves 😉 I love your blog- so keep sharing! xoxo

  3. I wish I had found a light-hearted as well as incredibly thoughtful and relatable post like this after my first miscarriage. I’ve been throwing around ideas very similar in my head. Thank you for such a lovely post. Those are definitely some things that helped me – as well as people should allow themselves more after miscarriage happens. ❤ Sorry for your loss, and I'm sending baby dust and good wishes your way!

    • I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage, Kristen. Unless you experience one yourself, it’s hard for other’s to comprehend the emotions involved with it, you know? Thank you for stopping by and reaching out- looking forward to checking out your blog 🙂 Best wishes!

  4. Social media definitely has it’s many pitfalls. I really admire your strength and positive attitude. I know you probably don’t feel like it 110% of the time, but it really is admirable that you’re at peace.

    • It’s crazy how much social media has influenced society today! Blogging has definitely given me a different outlet on things, and perhaps it’s reading other people’s positive thought that helped me along the way. I enjoy reading your writing!

  5. I’ve never dealt with infertility or loss (we don’t want kids right now), but I so love your comments on allowing yourself to feel whatever you need to feel. That has been what’s gotten me through hard times. Sometimes I just need to wallow. I give myself a day (or two) to lay in bed, eat junk food, watch sad movies, not shower, and really feel what I’m feeling. Then I pick myself up and try to move forward. But you can’t move on if you don’t get the feelings out first. Great advice and hugs in your journey!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s