***I wrote the first half of this post the night I got the positive pregnancy test after work***
Today I woke up like it was any other ordinary day. Wrigley was snuggling up close against my body, and while I slowly opened my eyes, I saw that he was staring at me thinking, “Mom, get UP. It’s time for breakfast!”. My alarm wasn’t set since I didn’t work until 1pm, but I glanced at clock and saw that it was 8:30am. Damn, I slept a solid 10 hours! I fed the dogs, let them out, then went to the kitchen to take my vitamins, get some things ready for my lunch for work, and made myself a cup of warm green tea. I did some blog stuff on the computer, researched more about the medications that were sent to us the week before, and caught up on some other blogs. Before I knew it, an hour had past so I decided to take Wrigley for a walk. Every dog in the neighborhood barked at us as we passed by so that was a calming and relaxing experience…NOT. Anyways, I wrote out a small grocery list, paid some utility bills, then headed to shower. Luckily, I didn’t have to wash my hair today (I HATE doing this…I know, I’m such a lady) so it didn’t take me long to get ready. However, right before I showered I decided to take a pregnancy test.
I took one last Friday (today is Tuesday) and it was negative, but I still hadn’t started my period and was getting effing annoyed because we are supposed to start the IVF cycle after my next period. I decided to use one of the cheapy ones I had on hand because the good ones are expensive as hell and I wasn’t about to waste $8 on nothing. So I did my thing and let it sit out while I showered. Once I got out and was drying myself off, I peered over at the counter and did a double take. Was that a second line? Did I accidentally take an ovulation test? I stuck that little stick up to my face and saw that I indeed took the right test, and that there definitely was a faint second line. “What.The.Fuck.”, I said out loud. “This can’t be right”.
I grabbed my stash of testing goodies from underneath the sink and took out one more (another cheapy), but this brand was from China (or maybe Japan?). Surely it had to be right. I dipped it in my little shot glass (from Key West, where Tyler went on his first and only honeymoon, haha) then promptly left the room for five minutes. I came back and examined it, and while I could see the test line space wasn’t totally white, there wasn’t a distinct line. What a piece. However, I glanced over at the original cheapy and I definitely saw something so I grabbed my phone and tried using the flashlight on it (apparently in my little frenzy I thought it’d have the same effect as a black light, haha). Nothing, but at this point I was shaking. I knew it was positive. And I got fucking terrified. Tyler was in the field with limited communication for the next two weeks, so I did what any normal 29 year old would do and called my mom.
I text her the first picture of the cheapy while we were talking and took a digital test to put an end to the guessing game. She said there was a second line, without a doubt. I could deal with negative pregnancy tests- before Tyler was deployed I got 9 months of them and had already had 5 since he came home. However, as I made my way back in the bathroom to check, I had a feeling I was going to be in for the surprise of my life. And I was- PREGNANT.
Happiness spread throughout my body, but fear instantly took over, and I started bawling. You see, I’ve been wishing and praying to see two pink lines again for so long, but once I did, I was reminded of the pain I had felt when we went through the miscarriage nearly two prior. I know the statistics- 1 in 4 women will miscarry sometime throughout their life. But I’ve also become a part of the online loss and infertility community and I know how recurrent miscarriages are a very real thing. What if it happens again? My mom calmed me down and I got my grip together over the next few minutes (thank you for being so great today, Mom). I called my OBGYN and left a message with the front desk to notify her about the positive. She called me back within an hour and told me to come in to get a beta done today, then Thursday, and next Monday to see if my HCG levels are rising appropriately.
I didn’t tell Tyler in a cute way like many women do. That stuff is great for storytelling and all, but it’s not what’s important. I simply sent him a text since he couldn’t call, and now we’re both not getting our hopes up too high but praying for the best.
Between Tyler being gone and waiting for these results, it’s going to be a long week. All I want right now is for my husband to be home, holding me in bed, sharing this special moment together. I don’t know what’s going to happen this time around, but today I am pregnant, and I’m so incredibly thankful for that.
I can still remember how euphoric yet fearful I was that day as I reflect on it a couple of months later. As much as I wish I could say that odd combination of feelings eventually dissipated- they didn’t. And, I’m still in disbelief about the timing of it all. I’ll touch on this more in another blog post as I have a lot to say about the topic and I think it’s important to bring to light, but I now know that my feelings are normal. Pregnancy after a loss (and infertility) is completely different. Perhaps it’s hormones, but I’ve been much more emotional this time around. However, this is out of my control, and the only thing I can do is pray for the best and count every day as a blessing.