It’s true- I sometimes miss blogging. I’m not sure if it’s the actual blogging that I miss or just writing, but I really did enjoy sharing snapshots of my life over the past few years. As I mentioned before, I got in touch with some awesome women along the way, and the community made me feel less alone during some dark times. When I started blogging, I had no idea what I was doing. I still don’t from a technical aspect (seriously, I suck at all computer stuff, haha), but back in 2012, I was writing just to write. I’d pretty much just discuss issues that were on my mind based on things that I was going through or that I had observed, but sometimes I’d throw in a post about crafts, the army life, or just pointless information that I’m sure no one cares to know about myself 😉 I go through phases with crafts- sometimes I get on a streak and I’m all about DIY projects. The next week I’m so over it and feel like it’s a waste of my time.
I did talk about the army from a military spouse’s perspective, but I never wanted to indulge too much into it. I didn’t want to write about my husband’s job, nor did I feel comfortable from a safety standpoint doing so. Plus, he’s a private person and doesn’t mind when I talk about my stuff, but I know he wouldn’t want me talking about his. So there’s that. I didn’t have a niche, and that was irritating to me because I felt like I didn’t really “fit in” anywhere. Looking back, I never really fit in to a particular group, even during my school years. I wasn’t an athlete, wasn’t in the musical/drama group, wasn’t a brainiac, etc. I was just there, haha. Perhaps I DID fit somewhere from other people’s perspective, but I didn’t feel that way. Unfortunately, I still don’t. And while I’m now 30 years old, married, and have a child, I’m trying to come to terms with still feeling this way. Still trying to find my niche in life.
This brings me to my next topic. I’m only eight weeks postpartum and I’m already having anxiety about what’s next for me in life from a career standpoint. I know this is just who I am, and I truly am living in the moment with Savannah, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about my future career endeavors. Before I go any further, I should say that I’m SO happy to be able to stay at home with our baby right now and for the next several months. Many mothers don’t have a choice; however, some do but have a career and I know it’s still incredibly hard for them to leave their babies.
Anyways, I have absolutely no idea what the hell I’m going to do. I worked in retail management for a year and a half (most recent) and in my early twenties when I was screwing around by being in and out of school, I worked at a tanning salon for five years (I know, I know- they’re bad, but it was easy income and above minimum wage). My job experience is probably a joke to most people, and I only have a Bachelor’s degree. Who the hell is going to hire me? And in what field? Will I ever be suitable for a job that pays over $14 an hour? Where are we going to move next? What if the job market is worse than it was in El Paso (it’s just more difficult when you’re not bilingual). This is the type of stuff that runs through my head and gets me worked up.
My little girl doesn’t care what I do right now. All she cares about is looking up and seeing her mommy, or daddy, and being content. Seriously, seeing her smile or grasp my finger with her little hand lights a freaking spark in me. It’s amazing how much she’s already learning, and I know I may never have the opportunity to stay home as long as I will with Savannah if we ever have a second child. So, I’m relishing these moments. On the flip side, working is important to me for three reasons.
Number 1: I want to financially contribute to our family. I want us to be able to take family vacations, buy things and not worry about if our bank account is too low, and save for her college education. And, I want to pay off my student loans ASAP (it’s the only debt we have, and I feel bad because it’s all mine).
We went camping, to the Wisconsin Dells, and to Disney World twice when I was growing up which was totally fine by me, but my husband went SO many places with his family. Seriously like all over the United States, and I think that’s so awesome. Since moving across the country four years ago and seeing places I would’ve never otherwise seen, I’ve learned that traveling is important and special to me. I want to have memories of exploring new places with our children, and NOT go into debt or have to charge all vacation expenses.
Over the past two years or so, I’ve realized that it’s worth buying nicer, higher quality items rather than trying to be frugal and buy something cheap. Now, this isn’t always the case, but when it comes to certain clothes (jeans, shoes, coats) and household goods, I now prefer the better items. They not only look nicer, but they last longer. My ass is not buying closet staples stuff from Forever 21 anymore! I’m still pretty cheap though and do some weird things around the house to save a few pennies 😉 Baby girl has poop explosions so it doesn’t really matter, but I’ve also noticed a difference in baby clothes after washing items from various places.
In regards to college- I think one of the best gifts you can give your children is paying for or partially for their education. Scholarships and grants are great, but you can’t depend on that stuff. You have no idea how intelligent, athletic, musically inclined- whatever- he/she is going to be, so you can’t count on them being good enough for free tuition. If she doesn’t want to go to college, her fund can be transferred over to another family member which is pretty cool.
Number 2: I want to have a career that I enjoy or a job that I really love. I despised retail management at first (and hated the dumb shifts when I was in charge of an update or new floorset, but I actually liked doing that stuff), but I ended up really enjoying the people I worked with. The job taught me a lot- managing a store so much more than just selling clothes which I think many people don’t understand. Anyways, I want to feel good about the work I do because I know that often times carries over into your personal life. I know I’ll be a huge ass grump to everyone if I’m working a shitty job with shitty hours and I’m not satisfied.
Number 3: IF anything were ever to happen, I don’t want to be completely screwed. I love me husband, I love my life, but I also don’t live in a fairy tale land. Things happen, people change, grow apart- so many things cause relationships to unravel, and if we were ever to get to that dark place, I don’t want to feel like I have to stay because I have no other choice due to financial constraints. I mean, I’m pretty sure I’ll never be Bill Gates or anything, but I’d at least like to feel somewhat secure and stable if anything were to happen. Some people may disapprove with this point, but you have to be realistic. I also don’t really believe in the whole “staying together for the kids” mantra. If your marriage sucks and there’s no hope, what’s the point? You’ll probably be doing more damage to them as they’ll think that’s how marriage is supposed to be. That’s a topic for another day though 😉
As you can see, my mind is slightly all over the place, but I hope to get a grip and a tentative “plan” in action once we find out where we go next. I’m truly looking forward to staying home with Savannah until then, but I like having both short and long-term goals. I never had goals in my late teens and early twenties and I think that was a major contributor in my floundering. Please don’t tell me not to worry, just to enjoy my time with my baby, or “it’ll all work itself out”. That doesn’t help me any, haha. However, I do have a few questions…
Has anyone else experienced this? I’m kind of afraid that if I do start working, I’ll hate it and wish I was home with Savannah.
Moms that stayed home then went on to work after your child was a bit older- Did you have a hard time finding decent work? I’m afraid the longer I’m out of a job, the harder it’ll be to find something that’s worth it.
Any suggestions on what you could see me doing career-wise? I’m serious, haha. And something that doesn’t require a Master’s degree- that’s not happening!
****I don’t know what’s going to happen with the blog right now, but it felt good getting these thoughts out. Thanks for reading!