I Kinda Miss Blogging and What’s Been on My Mind

It’s true- I sometimes miss blogging. I’m not sure if it’s the actual blogging that I miss or just writing, but I really did enjoy sharing snapshots of my life over the past few years. As I mentioned before, I got in touch with some awesome women along the way, and the community made me feel less alone during some dark times. When I started blogging, I had no idea what I was doing. I still don’t from a technical aspect (seriously, I suck at all computer stuff, haha), but back in 2012, I was writing just to write. I’d pretty much just discuss issues that were on my mind based on things that I was going through or that I had observed, but sometimes I’d throw in a post about crafts, the army life, or just pointless information that I’m sure no one cares to know about myself 😉 I go through phases with crafts- sometimes I get on a streak and I’m all about DIY projects. The next week I’m so over it and feel like it’s a waste of my time.

I did talk about the army from a military spouse’s perspective, but I never wanted to indulge too much into it. I didn’t want to write about my husband’s job, nor did I feel comfortable from a safety standpoint doing so. Plus, he’s a private person and doesn’t mind when I talk about my stuff, but I know he wouldn’t want me talking about his. So there’s that. I didn’t have a niche, and that was irritating to me because I felt like I didn’t really “fit in” anywhere. Looking back, I never really fit in to a particular group, even during my school years. I wasn’t an athlete, wasn’t in the musical/drama group, wasn’t a brainiac, etc. I was just there, haha. Perhaps I DID fit somewhere from other people’s perspective, but I didn’t feel that way. Unfortunately, I still don’t. And while I’m now 30 years old, married, and have a child, I’m trying to come to terms with still feeling this way. Still trying to find my niche in life.

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Newborn pic 🙂 Time is flying by!

This brings me to my next topic. I’m only eight weeks postpartum and I’m already having anxiety about what’s next for me in life from a career standpoint. I know this is just who I am, and I truly am living in the moment with Savannah, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about my future career endeavors. Before I go any further, I should say that I’m SO happy to be able to stay at home with our baby right now and for the next several months. Many mothers don’t have a choice; however, some do but have a career and I know it’s still incredibly hard for them to leave their babies.

Anyways, I have absolutely no idea what the hell I’m going to do. I worked in retail management for a year and a half (most recent) and in my early twenties when I was screwing around by being in and out of school, I worked at a tanning salon for five years (I know, I know- they’re bad, but it was easy income and above minimum wage). My job experience is probably a joke to most people, and I only have a Bachelor’s degree. Who the hell is going to hire me? And in what field? Will I ever be suitable for a job that pays over $14 an hour? Where are we going to move next? What if the job market is worse than it was in El Paso (it’s just more difficult when you’re not bilingual). This is the type of stuff that runs through my head and gets me worked up.

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Napping while mommy types 🙂 I’m obsessed with these ring slings, Wildbird.

My little girl doesn’t care what I do right now. All she cares about is looking up and seeing her mommy, or daddy, and being content. Seriously, seeing her smile or grasp my finger with her little hand lights a freaking spark in me. It’s amazing how much she’s already learning, and I know I may never have the opportunity to stay home as long as I will with Savannah if we ever have a second child. So, I’m relishing these moments. On the flip side, working is important to me for three reasons.

Number 1: I want to financially contribute to our family. I want us to be able to take family vacations, buy things and not worry about if our bank account is too low, and save for her college education. And, I want to pay off my student loans ASAP (it’s the only debt we have, and I feel bad because it’s all mine).

We went camping, to the Wisconsin Dells, and to Disney World twice when I was growing up which was totally fine by me, but my husband went SO many places with his family. Seriously like all over the United States, and I think that’s so awesome. Since moving across the country four years ago and seeing places I would’ve never otherwise seen, I’ve learned that traveling is important and special to me. I want to have memories of exploring new places with our children, and NOT go into debt or have to charge all vacation expenses.

Over the past two years or so, I’ve realized that it’s worth buying nicer, higher quality items rather than trying to be frugal and buy something cheap. Now, this isn’t always the case, but when it comes to certain clothes (jeans, shoes, coats) and household goods, I now prefer the better items. They not only look nicer, but they last longer. My ass is not buying closet staples stuff from Forever 21 anymore! I’m still pretty cheap though and do some weird things around the house to save a few pennies 😉 Baby girl has poop explosions so it doesn’t really matter, but I’ve also noticed a difference in baby clothes after washing items from various places.

In regards to college- I think one of the best gifts you can give your children is paying for or partially for their education. Scholarships and grants are great, but you can’t depend on that stuff. You have no idea how intelligent, athletic, musically inclined- whatever- he/she is going to be, so you can’t count on them being good enough for free tuition. If she doesn’t want to go to college, her fund can be transferred over to another family member which is pretty cool.

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Being such a good girl while mommy took her 2 month pictures

Number 2: I want to have a career that I enjoy or a job that I really love. I despised retail management at first (and hated the dumb shifts when I was in charge of an update or new floorset, but I actually liked doing that stuff), but I ended up really enjoying the people I worked with. The job taught me a lot- managing a store so much more than just selling clothes which I think many people don’t understand. Anyways, I want to feel good about the work I do because I know that often times carries over into your personal life. I know I’ll be a huge ass grump to everyone if I’m working a shitty job with shitty hours and I’m not satisfied.

Number 3: IF anything were ever to happen, I don’t want to be completely screwed. I love me husband, I love my life, but I also don’t live in a fairy tale land. Things happen, people change, grow apart- so many things cause relationships to unravel, and if we were ever to get to that dark place, I don’t want to feel like I have to stay because I have no other choice due to financial constraints. I mean, I’m pretty sure I’ll never be Bill Gates or anything, but I’d at least like to feel somewhat secure and stable if anything were to happen. Some people may disapprove with this point, but you have to be realistic. I also don’t really believe in the whole “staying together for the kids” mantra. If your marriage sucks and there’s no hope, what’s the point? You’ll probably be doing more damage to them as they’ll think that’s how marriage is supposed to be. That’s a topic for another day though 😉

As you can see, my mind is slightly all over the place, but I hope to get a grip and a tentative “plan” in action once we find out where we go next. I’m truly looking forward to staying home with Savannah until then, but I like having both short and long-term goals. I never had goals in my late teens and early twenties and I think that was a major contributor in my floundering. Please don’t tell me not to worry, just to enjoy my time with my baby, or “it’ll all work itself out”. That doesn’t help me any, haha. However, I do have a few questions…

Has anyone else experienced this? I’m kind of afraid that if I do start working, I’ll hate it and wish I was home with Savannah.

Moms that stayed home then went on to work after your child was a bit older- Did you have a hard time finding decent work? I’m afraid the longer I’m out of a job, the harder it’ll be to find something that’s worth it.

Any suggestions on what you could see me doing career-wise? I’m serious, haha. And something that doesn’t require a Master’s degree- that’s not happening!

****I don’t know what’s going to happen with the blog right now, but it felt good getting these thoughts out. Thanks for reading!

 

 

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11 thoughts on “I Kinda Miss Blogging and What’s Been on My Mind

  1. I love this post and i’m so happy to see that you picked up writing again! I know writing it all out can’t help the constant swirling thoughts in my head! Working is important to me as well, I feel the need to contribute to my family and if something were to happen to my husband and he can’t work any more or I’m all alone I want to feel like I can handle it not drown in the burden… I think leaving baby to go to work is hard no matter how much you love your career but maybe look for a job that would coordinate with little ones life for example when they reach school age then try to find a job that has the same basic hours… I quit my job because it was to physical while doing IVF treatments and so that I could go back to school. I am going back to school to become a teacher because I love kids, feel strongly about the importance of a good education with good educators and because the schedule is wonderful for raising kids, I will get off of work around the same time they get out of school have the same vacation days as them and be able to provide a decent salary and insurance benefits for the family, by the time I’m done with college baby boy will be preschool age which will work out well for me… I say make a list of all the things that are important to you and look for a career that matches that’s how I made my choice I had 3 careers I was interested in but once I wrote out the important things to me I was able to narrow it down to teaching…. best of luck finding your next step I know it’s not easy it took me forever to figure it out

    • I’m not sure how much posting I’ll actually be doing, but I have some ideas in the works as to what I want to do next 🙂 I think teaching is a wonderful job for parents! I know it requires a lot of work outside of school, but the schedule is great when considering their vacations and whatnot, My sister will be finishing up her last year of school actually!The timing will definitely work out well for you, but in the meantime- enjoy this time! I’m certainly enjoying this time with baby girl, but my anxiety kicks in big time when I think of things in a monetary and career longevity perspective and then I get down on myself for not being more at the point in my life. I’m interested in what your other career choices were!

      • Luckily we are still young and don’t have to have the longevity all figured out yet don’t be too hard on yourself! I was also interest in becoming a geologist, or soiltologist (much longer name but you get the gist) They both pay great and I love science especially earth science and geography, or aviation air control. However, both those careers can have a ton of travel involved and crazy air control can have crazy ass hours and I don’t want to be away from my family that much and feel like I’m missing out on everything… You said you liked management when you were in retail have you considered party planner or working for the commerce planning county events and such?

      • I was almost hiring for an event planning position in El Paso but the gentleman interviewing me flat out said he wanted to but I’m not bilingual & I would’ve been working directly with the public everyday, lol. That would definitely be something to look into though. I think once I find out where we’re moving next, I’ll feel better and will look at the job market. The whole not knowing thing but knowing that we find out soon is annoying, haha

  2. I havent experienced exactly the same, but I can say that I am already worried about my contributions once the baby is born. I am hopeful for u that u find something you love, and have a great balance of motherhood and a career.

  3. Oh Savannah is beyond adorable. So wonderful to get an update from you. I don’t know if I am much help. I had a full on professional role in our biggest city when I had my first child. I have since moved away from there and taken a big step back. I have no returned to work full time. During the first year of my son’s life I did a bookkeeping qualification (already knew I’d be good at it as dealt with figures, data and accounts on a larger scale before) via at home study. Since then I have done bookkeeping, admin and freelance writing all from home. I have been lucky in that word of mouth has been enough to get me consistent work and I really do enjoy what I do. I don’t know if I will ever go back to full time work but I’d like to continue this part-time thing either from home or in an office or a combo of both. It is not going to make me even close to what I was earning before having kids but I don’t really care. Fortunately Eric earns good money so I am not pushed into anything more and have the luxury of making these decisions. 🙂 Good luck working out where you are heading to next!

    • That’s awesome you’re a numbers girl. I failed accounting and college math the first time I took them, haha. I love that you’ve been able to work from home even part-time…that’s something that I’d love to do, but I don’t really see how. I’ve been bombarded with the multilevel marketing companies (Beach Body, It Works, some other health and nutrition company, skin-care, books, etc.), but I HATE pushing people to buy things and could honestly care less if they do or not. I’ve politely declined these offers and have been told that I could make loads of money working from home doing this, but it just doesn’t suit me. And I want to know how much money they actually make, haha. Plus, I can be super social in an actual work environment, but I have a very small array of friendships in real-life and am not that social. I know I need to work through some of this anxiety and that has a lot to do with it….ah well. Today I’m just going to run some errands and enjoy baby girl and not care, haha!

      • Those MLM things drive me crazy too! I cannot push people to buy something. I hate it. I have dabbled in those before and it always ends with me hating it because of that part. I think some people do make great money from it but they are usually passionate about the product and love the process I think!

  4. It’s so nice to see a post from you! Have you ever thought of talking to S career counselor? They would be able to help you identify your strengths and what careers may be a good fit. That baby girl of yours is adorable!!! Oh and, I only live an hour from WI Dells. 😀

    • I have! Well, not exactly a career counselor, but when I was in therapy (I truly believe therapy is a great resource for people, even if there is nothing “major” in life going on!), we talked about careers and such. I was just graduating at the time so that was three years ago…perhaps it’s time to talk to someone again? Sounds so dumb, but I almost just need someone to tell me what to do, haha. One of the things that the therapist pointed out is that I’m always so terrified in failing that I try to hinder myself from trying new things or opening myself up to being something or doing something out of my comfort zone. The crazy thing is that I’m pretty darn good at telling others what to do and giving them advice about what to do with their life, lol 😉 I’m currently taking real estate class (3 nights a week for 3.5 hours- it’s been hard being away from Savannah but it’s good daddy-daughter time and there’s only 3 weeks left!). I don’t really see myself as an agent, but my husband had his license and it’s nice to learn more about the field as I was absolutely clueless before! And Wisconsin Dells was awesome! We always stayed at the Great Wolf Lodge, haha.

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