Pregnancy and Body Image

As with most expecting first-time moms, I’ve read a lot of books or articles online focused on pregnancy, child birth, and becoming a parent. I get daily and weekly updates delivered to my email about what’s going on with baby and mother during this time, and these notifications are often times filled with tips to help make this time in your life a bit easier (I actually didn’t sign up for that stuff until I was 20 weeks due to my fear of loss). A few weeks ago, there was a segment on body image during pregnancy and how it can often times be a difficult time for women. This surprised me and got me thinking about my own current body image.

Now, before I talk about how I feel, I want it known that I completely understand why it could be a hard time for females. Our bodies are completely changing and weird things are happening, the scale is going up, we’re tired, don’t feel like ourselves, and can’t work out like we used to. However, I absolutely love my pregnant body. Seeing growth each week makes me happy beyond words. Yes, I’m one of those annoying women.

Despite living in constant fear, battling all day sickness until 5.5 months, and dealing with the cervical length scare, I think I’ve had an uncomplicated pregnancy which probably contributes to how I feel about my body. I’m no dummy though. Some women may be thinking that it’s easy for me to feel this way because of the way my body looked pre-pregnancy. That may contribute to it as I was not carrying around extra weight, but what most people probably don’t know is that I’ve struggled with body image issues for years, and most of the time is was subconsciously. I didn’t realize my disordered eating and over exercising were issues because it was never about the number on the scale- it was about having control over a piece of my life. Therapy will teach you quite a few valuable things along the way 😉

Now, I’m not going to get into my history because this is about how I feel now, but when I think about the past fifteen years of my life, I’ve come a long way the past year and a half. After we lost our first and we started having trouble conceiving, I knew I needed to stop exercising as much and put on some weight. I’ve discussed this in previous blog posts which can be found under the miscarriage/infertility tab on my homepage. To summarize- it was mentally challenging to slow down on the exercise, and at first I wouldn’t accept that this could be a culprit because many women conceive while going about their normal fitness routine or even in the midst of training for marathons. But one day it hit me that I’m not most women- my body was in stress mode and I needed to gain about ten pounds (my lowest body weight ever was scary, and I had no idea until I had to step on the scale at the doctor’s appointment). Despite gaining the ten pounds and refraining from all intense interval training and long runs, I still wasn’t ovulating on my own which was super discouraging and I’d sometimes wonder what the fucking point was. I was upset with my body for not doing what it’s supposed to do. I truly think that all of the shit that happened pre-pregnancy has helped given me a great body image and self confidence during this pregnancy.

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25 weeks.

Don’t get me wrong- I have moments when I look at my arms or thighs and see that they’re not as defined, or my legs or feet or face swell and it’s not pretty, or wonder if my husband really does still think I’m sexy. However, I have a baby inside of me. A fucking baby. The baby I hoped and prayed for and dreamed of for two years, every single day. And although I ate whatever I could tolerate the first 22 weeks or so, now that I don’t have as many bouts of nausea (ironically, as I’m writing this post, I feel super sick), I want to nourish our baby with healthy, wholesome foods. Yes, I ate a small blizzard last night, but I even it out with nutritious meals and snacks as I know she eats what I eat. I’ll be sharing a blog post soon about foods that were great for me the past couple of months!

Also, I’m way out of shape, but going on walks and bike rides and just getting outside can make a huge difference. I’ve mentioned in my pregnancy updates that I do light weights and certain exercises (I don’t know the names of them but my doctor showed me and there are YouTube videos for exercise during pregnancy) to help my core which will hopefully help during birth. I know I’ll get back into shape (but not get to such an unhealthy body weight again!) after she’s born when I’m given the go ahead to start working out again, and I’m embracing my new body.

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26 weeks pregnant. Au natural, haha. I don’t think I’ve posted myself in a bathing suit on social media in years :/

Though I’m still worried, am praying for the rest of the pregnancy and labor and delivery to go well, and just want a healthy baby in my arms, I’m so incredibly content right now. Feeling her kick and play inside of me literally still stops me in my in tracks, and I place my hand on my belly and smile. THAT makes it all worth it- the weight gain, brittle hair and nails, dry skin, bleeding gums, monstrous leaky boobs, fatigue, food aversions- everything.

I’m so glad that I started documenting my belly growth, although I wish I would’ve started around 10 weeks instead of 12. I got the idea from a blog, Simply Summer Ann, but her photos are way better, haha. Nonetheless, it’s a cute way to track the pregnancy and see the changes in a sexy, yet classy way rather than just regular bump pictures in normal clothes.

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Pregnancy is a miraculous thing and I’m not ashamed to embrace it. I may be one of those annoying women that blasts pics on Facebook and Instagram, but I’ve shared our struggles and bad times, so I simply just want to share the good. I will NOT be posting pics of the baby all the time though, and I’m really not sure if I’ll continue on with the blog. We shall see. I’m wanting to start a second Instagram account strictly for baby bump and baby pics, but for some reason I can’t add an account on my iPhone6 which is super annoying. I want the accounts linked to to the same email to make switching over easier, so if anyone knows why the iPhone isn’t able to utilize this feature yet, please let me know! I about whipped my phone across the room last night 😉 Just kidding!

How do you feel about body image and pregnancy?

Did you have a different experience than me?

 

 

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Pregnancy After a Loss and/or Infertility

This topic has been something that I’ve been thinking about ever since I found out that I was pregnant. It’s a sensitive subject and emotional subject, and it may be a bit difficult for me to write, but bear with me. Pregnancy after a loss and/or infertility is much different than a normal pregnancy. A “normal” pregnancy may consist of naiveness, innocence, and happy thoughts of ten months out. However, after you experience a loss, go through infertility, or both, your thought process is unlike it was before. For me, pregnancy the second time around has differed so much from an emotional standpoint.

I wanted to write about this and bring awareness to it as I think there’s sometimes a gap between these two types of women (or three, if you experience infertility).

  • You’ll be checking for blood multiple times a day…but this still doesn’t ease your mind. My first pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage, meaning the baby had passed (ours around week 12), but I had literally no symptoms of an impending loss. No blood, no cramping- nothing, and we found out at an ultrasound at 14 weeks. This time around, I’d check every time I used the restroom even though I knew that this does not ensure that all is okay. We did have a little scare when I was 13 weeks as I had some brown spotting (brown means old blood and red means new blood. Red is not a good sign). It happened in the late afternoon after cleaning and running errands all day, and I spent the rest of the evening laying down, drinking lots of water. I called my doctor the next morning and she said to come to the hospital to get it checked out. Long story short- they couldn’t determine the exact cause, but baby was doing great and I was put on light bed rest for a few days. We were so relieved, but I felt awful as we missed Tyler’s promotion ceremony that morning to get pinned Captain (he was actually promoted November 1st) 😦 Anyways, checking will be constant.
  • You’ll become worried when your morning sickness dissipates. Yes, most women are ecstatic when they start feeling better, but my mind started to wander when I’d have a few hours or days where I wasn’t dry-heaving constantly or running to the bathroom. It’s very common for all day sickness to come and go, and even though it wasn’t fun not feeling well, it was comforting to me as it reminded me that I was, indeed, pregnant. You see, the first time my morning sickness started to ease up around week 11 and by week 12 I was feeling totally back to normal…and that’s when the baby passed, so that was obviously on my mind. This time my doctor offered to give me medicine to help with the sickness, but I politely declined. It probably sounds crazy, but I didn’t want the meds in my system. I am fortunately not currently working outside of the home, so I had time to rest and take naps if I needed to. Keep in mind that I’m also one of those women who do not eat lunch meat, soft cheeses, or literally anything else that you “aren’t supposed” to eat while pregnant. Great for those women who have the balls to do it, but I don’t as I’m not risking anything.
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Though morning sickness was no fun, I was so unbelievably happy to get to experience pregnancy again that I didn’t care!

  • You’ll be absolutely over the moon but also incredibly terrified. The first time around I was like most other first-time pregnant women- I knew miscarriages occurred, but I never thought that it’d happen to me. A loss hurts no matter how many weeks along you are, but I believe the further you are in a pregnancy, the more difficult it is to grasp that it truly happened.  We waited two years to see two pink lines again. We watched some women who were pregnant the same time I was have their baby, then get pregnant and birth their second…That being said, when you do get pregnant again, you’re afraid that it’ll happen to you once more as reoccurring loss is a very real thing for some couples. It’s a very bizarre feeling to be so happy yet scared at the same time. It was NOT comforting when people would say that it wouldn’t happen again- no one can predict the future. However, my doctor just kept telling me to “just believe” at every appointment and that this is a different pregnancy, a different baby. I still hold onto those words 🙂
  • You won’t give a shit if the baby is a boy or a girl. I think this is why I had such a difficult time when people would ask if it was a boy or girl and/or what we wanted. We honestly did not care whatsoever (if my husband did deep down, he never told me)- we just wanted a healthy baby. I know, I know- that’s what everyone wants, but it’s the truth. As I mentioned before, I didn’t care if we had a boy first to be the protector should he have siblings one day or whatever. I was the oldest and no one protected me and I didn’t turn out that bad 😉 We do think it would be nice to have two children closer in age than we were with our siblings, but part of the reasoning is because of our age. However, I’m super close with my brother and sister and I don’t believe age really matters when you’re adults, but it does impact things when you’re kids. I’d love to have children that have a close bond just as I have and for my husband to get to see that (sometimes I think he wonders what the hell I could possibly be talking about with my family every single day haha, but I think that’s part of what makes life beautiful- having such connection!). Who knows, we may just be blessed with one child and we would be perfectly happy with that!
  • When women bitch about the pitfalls of pregnancy you’ll still get annoyed. I get it- morning/all day sickness isn’t fun, but complaining about it openly on social media outlets will still drive you effing nuts. Some people crave for attention more than others so while it may seem innocent to them to share every single day about how shitty they feel, it can actually be hurting a lot of people. I know- appeasing everyone is impossible, but it’s more about just being a mindful human being. I’d literally bring plastic Wal-Mart or Target bags with me when I left the house the first 15 weeks because I was afraid I might barf at any second, and I still have bouts of nausea at 22 weeks…but you’ll never hear me complain (obviously I’d tell those closest to me that I felt sick when asked, but it was never bitching because as I said earlier, it was a comfort and I was so grateful for that). Certain things may seem sucky, but you know what’s even suckier? Going through morning sickness for weeks and weeks and feeling so much love and so much excitement for this little one growing inside of you, only to have it taken away when you stupidly thought you were in the “safe zone”. Then yearning for it again so long and so hard, spending countless hours crying over negative pregnancy tests and pregnancy announcements, getting shitty test results from the doctor, feeling so alone and angry and sad and everything in between, and enduring uncomfortable and painful procedures to try and get some answers. You look at the miracle of life a tad bit differently, and know that feeling like shit or being constipated or breaking out badly or being tired ISN”T SHIT in the grand scheme of things.
  • You’ll still experience pregnancy jealousy- This is a biggie. I thought I was crazy at first, but I’ve spoken with several women in the loss and infertility community that said they feel the same way. Even though I’m pregnant, I still get weird when I’m sitting at the doctor’s office for an appointment in a room full of super pregnant ladies. Yes, I have a bump, but when women are visibility more pregnant than me, I wish it were me because I’m still so scared. I’ve heard from some women that this feeling eases up once you hit viability, but I don’t know. I’m truly happy when I see pregnancy announcements, but I still wonder how long they were trying. If they announce it super early, I wonder how they have the strength to do so.  The innocence that some women have that never endured a loss or infertility and that have had happy, worry-free pregnancies can be aggravating, especially when they try to give you advice. It’s a very, very different experience.

***I wanted to add a bit more to this before I publish this as I experienced this yet again today while waiting to get my oil changed. I had an ultrasound this morning for another cervical length check, and when I was leaving the room after it was finished I glanced at the nurse’s computer screen and thought I saw the length measuring almost one centimeter shorter than it was about five weeks prior. One centimeter may not seem like a lot but it is when it comes to your cervix during pregnancy. I could still kick myself for not asking the nurse about it, but I know they can’t release much information to you. I’m apprehensive and a bit scared right now and I should be able to pick up the results on Wednesday. I won’t go any further about this until I actually read the report and discuss it with my doctor…but while my car was being tended to, I saw a mother feeding her newborn baby in the waiting area and I once again felt those feelings of jealousy. I’m not even sure if that’s the right word to describe it…it’s more like super intense feelings of hope and desire that I’ll get to that point one day. It took me everything now to to cry. Anyways, it probably sounds odd, but I’m just being real…

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Rainbows have a whole different meaning after a loss. A rainbow baby is one that is born after a couple experiences a miscarriage…

  • You’ll be be hesitant as to what to say when asked if it’s your first. I was kind of taken back when asked if it’s my first, and it was obviously by random people that didn’t know us or by nurses. I always tell the nurses no, it’s not my first. It was (and still is) odd to me when they say, “One child at home?” and I again proceed to say no, the first was a miscarriage. I don’t like how it’s sometimes assumed that I already have a living child. I know people mean absolutely no harm when asking this, but it puts me in a predicament. Do I want to say no- that this is our second, and our first was a late first trimester loss- to those that are asking me just because outside of the doctor’s office? No, because that makes people uncomfortable. And some people don’t recognize miscarriages as “real” children. Or do I say, yes this is our first? This answer makes me feel guilty and sad for not recognizing our first baby. A few times when I said it’s our first, they proceeded to say something along the lines of, “That’s awesome you guys waited so long!” (they obviously knew my age or that we’ve been for quite a while). Seriously…these remarks make me wanna dropkick them…but once again, they don’t know any better… I know I’ll struggle with this question my entire pregnancy, but I truly want to acknowledge our first loss without sounding dramatic or making others feel awkward. But then again, I don’t want to feel uncomfortable either. I’ll always feel that if miscarriage and infertility are more openly discussed, it’ll become less taboo and women will feel less alone.

I know there are so many other instances I could discuss regarding the differences, but I’ll stop there for now. I don’t mean to segregate those that have not endured a loss or infertility from those that have. These are just observations from my personal experience and from what I’ve discussed with other women in similar situations. I feel that the women that I’ve encountered that have been affected are much more guarded than those that still retain the innocence and naiveness of not suffering, but that’s not always the case. However, pregnancy is an absolute beautiful thing and we are all on different paths emotionally and physically with one common denominator- a smooth ride and healthy baby 🙂

It’s Okay…and So Are You

***This post was written in early September right after we just experienced another failed medicated cycle (Femara). Little did I know that I’d miraculously get pregnant this cycle…with no medication, only herbal supplements for us both (when I was on a medicated cycle I never took Vitex or Fertilaid as it can counteract with it, but I’d still take Pregnitude, baby aspirin, and drink fertility tea. Tyler was on Fertilaid for men and CoQ10 to help count and morphology). I did eat the pineapple core after ovulation which I had never done before. Anyways, I didn’t want to post this after I got the positive pregnancy test and I debated whether or not to delete it altogether, but I as I sat hear crying while rereading it, I vividly remembered the pain I felt all those months. I think it’s important to share as trying to conceive is an emotional rollercoaster.

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I’ve had bouts of depression since high school. There, I said it. Now I don’t want to act like it’s been absolutely horrible because that’s certainly not the case, but it’s affected me and probably some relationships in my life at some point. Before I go any further, I want to say that I’m obviously no psychologist or therapist, but I’ve seen a handful over the past fifteen years or so. I’ve truly tried to analyze their perspectives and have taken what they’ve said into consideration as I’ve gotten older. One of the things that was often discussed was how I’d brush my feelings or problems under the rug and not deal with them. I acted as if they didn’t exist so I basically wouldn’t have to feel certain things…but then I’d get to the point of feeling so much, that I’d basically have a meltdown. Just kidding…kind of 😉

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I’ve fortunately learned to recognize my feelings and understand that it’s okay and actually important to really feel them- even the negative ones. It helps you grow and change for the better. Now, instead of holding in my tears when I’m sad, pissed off, or frustrated, I cry. This post portrays certain emotions I feel throughout the duration of a cycle.

I just want to say:

It’s okay to feel sad and disappointed when you get a negative pregnancy test. Month after month of one line gets fucking exhausting.

It’s okay to feel excited when you finally start a new cycle. Yes, you’re pissed off that you’re not pregnant, but this is a fresh start and could be the month!

It’s okay to feel content when you’re on your period. You know there’s nothing you can do to procreate right now, so you just enjoy these next few days (as much as you can, haha).

It’s okay to feel anxious when you start using OPK’s (I use THESE tests and sometimes the more expensive ones by Clear Blue). I start testing on cycle day 11 and every day after that until I get a positive…if I never get a positive, I stop testing after day 20. Not worth my sanity or money 😉 It’s disappointing when you see negative ovulation tests. I almost always think, “F this- I want some sushi” and flick it in the garbage. But you keep on swimming, hoping that the next day the line is darker.

It’s okay to feel over the fucking moon when you get a positive OPK. I’m almost always at work when I’m testing (second long held pee of the day), so I hopelessly take a test each day around the same time, and as they get darker, I want to go do cartwheels. For real. Nevertheless, I restrain myself and send my hubby the positive test photo. Funny how sexy pictures were a priority and always sent while dating (still do to keep it fresh!)….and how things have changed 😉

It’s okay to do whatever you think might help get those little men to your egg. Using Pre-Seed or Conceive Plus, doing various positions, propping yourself up with pillows afterwards while your hubby heats up your dinner and brings it to you (hope to God I’m not the only one that does this), doing handstands, using soft cups (Google it if you don’t know what they are, haha).

It’s okay to take it easy after you think you’ve ovulated. Working out has become less of a priority, but it’s great to walk, do light weights, and yoga.

It’s okay to also turn down invitations. I’ve learned that I don’t need to attend everything- just the important things. Don’t go to baby showers or gender reveal parties if you’re struggling. Honestly, who the fuck had a gender reveal party 10 years ago? Or even 5? Don’t get me wrong, they’re cute and all, but come on now. (Ok, these are cute, but I was upset).

It’s okay to seclude yourself if that’s what you need. I know- relationships are a two way street. Sadness should not consume your life and there will be good days and bad. However, just because you want to be alone or not engage in social activities, doesn’t mean that you don’t want to keep in touch or that you’re weak. You simply gotta do you right now.

It’s okay to get anxious as you reach the end of your cycle and to debate on whether or not you should test. Part of you still feels a glimmer of hope. When you test and it’s negative, you feel defeated yet again (although if you’re a maniac and test WAY too early, then it could be too soon to detect any HCG).

It’s okay to research the shit out of every random pregnancy related symptom that comes to mind (I’ve Googled some weird ass things people. #noshame ;)) But STOP YOURSELF. It’s okay a few times, but it’s going to drive you freaking crazy and only cause more unnecessary stress.

It’s okay cry after the test is negative. I’ve become numb to it so I don’t anymore, but that doesn’t mean that it still doesn’t sting.

It’s okay to drink a bottle glass of wine when you start your period. And order sushi To-Go. Then eat sunny side up eggs for breakfast the next morning and get Subway for lunch with turkey deli meat.

It’s okay to go home to your husband and just asked to be held. Not only do you feel disappointed, but you feel like you let him down again.

The point is- it’s okay to truly FEEL. Let yourself engage in emotions. I know when I bottle up feelings or issues I have kept inside for too long, it isn’t pretty, nor is it healthy. When you’ve been trying to conceive for months on end, you kind of become someone else in way. You think about certain things in life differently and your thoughts and actions often revolve around what time of the month it is. And you absolutely cannot relate to those that “weren’t even trying” or it only took one or two months for. In fact, it hurts hearing that kind of stuff…

Can you relate to emotions fluctuating throughout a cycle?

Everybody Hurts….Sometimes

I’ve had bouts of depression and anxiety since high school (maybe longer, but it was at that time that I realized that something wasn’t right). There, I said it. Now I don’t want to act like it’s been absolutely horrible because that’s certainly not the case, but it’s affected me and probably some relationships in my life at some point (and perhaps, still is). Before I go any further, I want to say that I’m obviously no psychologist or therapist, but I’ve seen a handful over the past fifteen years or so. I’ve truly analyzed their perspectives and have taken what they’ve said into consideration. This post is obviously about our path of loss and infertility and how it can be linked with depression and anxiety. However,  it can be related to other difficult situations we may encounter throughout our lives.

****If your depression ever gets too deep and you have thoughts of suicide, PLEASE get help. One such number is 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

We found out about the miscarriage on September 10, 2015. I mentioned many times before that I numbed myself from the pain for many months and used school, working out, and taking on DIY projects and crafts to keep myself busy. Sure, I had days where I didn’t want to get out of bed or times when I cried in the shower, but I made myself switch gears to the “not feeling” mode. It was when we learned that Tyler was going to be deployed within a matter of two weeks in July 2014 that I broke down inside.

I blogged here and there throughout his deployment about military life and gave updates on how my testing and cycles were going. I did open up in some of the posts, but I didn’t discuss how I was really feeling. You see, I’m an open book when it comes to many things in life, but I have trouble talking about my own feelings and feel as though it’s too personal for me. I also don’t like attention, so I tried telling myself that everything was okay. It wasn’t.

While I never had thoughts of hurting myself or suicide (and thankfully, I never have), I was in a really dark place. I finally allowed myself to feel everything I was holding within. And it wasn’t good.

  • The anger about the miscarriage. I was flat out pissed off that our joy was stolen from us out of nowhere. We heard the baby’s heartbeat twice, and I grew connected to him/her which later on I felt so absolutely foolish about.

 

  • The frustration of time. We had been trying again for 8 months before Tyler deployed. So many people told me that women are more fertile after a miscarriage and/or D&C. Well, what the fuck was wrong with me? Then, my husband leaves for 9 months to a war-zone. Nine months is the length of a school year. The duration of a pregnancy. I was frustrated because we were at a standstill, and my anxiety was sky high as I was worried every day for Tyler’s safety. I thought it was cruel of the universe to have us endure the miscarriage, trouble trying to conceive again, then allow a deployment.

 

  • I didn’t feel strong AT ALL. I’d hear it all the time. “You’re so strong” or “How do you do it?” or “I’d never be able to do it”. Ironically, that year was probably the weakest I had ever been in my entire life. More tears were shed, more alcoholic beverages were consumed (this does NOT help depression and anxiety at all, I know that), and more emotions took over me than ever before. However, I hid it. I was fine at work (in fact, probably more than fine)- I put a smile on my face, did what I had to do, and learned a lot, but behind closed doors in my own home was another story.

 

  • Resentfulness. Once my emotions were unleashed and my misery surfaced, I felt resentful towards family and friends that seemed like they didn’t care. Some may say this is selfish, but when you quickly do a downward spiral, you aren’t thinking very clearly or logically. I mean, I knew the whole world wasn’t going to come to a complete halt because Kim felt sad- I’m not an idiot. And if anyone asked how I was doing, you better believe 9 times out of 10 I said okay or good, so how the hell would anyone even know? My mom, aunt, and best friend knew, but they know me. Often times when you over analyze things too much, you create problems that weren’t even there to begin with. Perhaps this is what I did, but I remember thinking, “What is the point of having relationships if people aren’t there in time of need? Losing the baby, month after month of trying and tests, and now husband is across the world and I’m alone in Texas”. Dramatic, I know 😉 But it’s how I felt, and I’m not going to be ashamed about it anymore.

 

  • Jealousy. It is one of the ugliest feelings, yet I felt it often. When I first started working at my job, I’d feel it all the time as children are around a lot. I’d look at their parents and think, “Are you fucking kidding me? How did these dopes get blessed with a kid and we can’t?”. I’m not sure how it happened, but a few months before Tyler got home, I suddenly stopped being jealous and simply thought about how damn cute (or annoying) they were. Social media is another monster in itself. Some people don’t see the big hairy deal about social media and why people get all bent about it. If you’re one of those people, good for you. But back then, I’d think, “This isn’t Facebook- this is freaking Babybook”.

Pregnancy and birth announcements flooded my feed. Before I go any further, let me get one thing clear: Although these announcements put me in tears (or a sob fest depending on how stable I was that day), I was always, and always will be, genuinely happy for the couple. I may have not been doing well myself, but I’d never wish ill upon others. I truly believe that many people are naive to how seeing the announcements (or statuses bitching about pregnancy all the time. It’s one thing to vent once in a while, and believe me- I want to hear about experiences in late pregnancy. Or holding their belly in every.single flipping.photo- it’s like women thing it’s going to fall off or something for Pete’s sake) can be a trigger. If one has only experienced falling pregnant easily and have a happy, healthy pregnancy, they don’t know any better!

The point is, I felt all of these things while wishing away my days so I could just feel my husband in my arms again. Women’s belly’s and families were growing while my goal was to just try to function like a normal human being in public. I told my doctor about how I was feeling in the midst of it all, and she prescribed me the lowest dose of Zoloft. I took it for a couple of months, but I didn’t really feel any differently and didn’t want to increase my dosage (don’t ask me why).

After my husband returned and we took a trip home, I called Military One Source to get in touch with a therapist in the area. Military One Source offers support to the military community, and one of the benefits they offer is counseling for pretty much anything! I knew that I still wasn’t myself and I realized that while being back in the Midwest. I was connected with a lady here in Texas and did six sessions (you get 12 for free for each circumstance. I also did 12 sessions when we first moved here). Honestly, it was hard with my work schedule and her schedule to fit in sessions, but as I mentioned earlier in this post, this lady opened my eyes to why I feel or act certain ways.

I’ve also learned that instead of trying to fight the situations in life that you can’t control- you MUST come to peace with them. You cannot control other people’s action’s, but you can certainly control how you react to them. This concept is obviously way easier said that done, haha. I’ve had my fair share of outbursts, but I’m getting better at accepting the person or the situation at it is. It’s a work in progress 😉

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Estes Park. So thankful my BFF asked me to join her on this trip.

One more thing I should mention- I was never very religious which you can read about HERE. I started really thinking about religion in June, and it wasn’t until I went to Colorado with my best friend in August that I started opening my heart up to it more. I don’t have to be super religious and go to church every Sunday to have faith. I know some people that are like that but are actually complete turds in real life. We see that type of shit on the news as well. I’m not going to discuss now as there will be another post about this topic, but it’s something I wanted to touch on briefly as it’s also slowly helped bring me a sense of peace. And I don’t get annoyed anymore when people say that they’re praying for us. Instead, I truly believe it and appreciate the fact that they care so much about us to do so (my hubby’s view on religion is the same though! haha).

This post was hard for me to write as it took me back to some dark days and disagreements I had with others. Depression and anxiety can be so incredibly consuming, no matter how good you think you’re hiding it. A smile only goes so far, and those that know you best or are closest to you will recognize that behind it are tears…Know that it’s okay to feel the way you do, but remember- you have to help yourself instead of solely relying on others to help you 🙂

Why I can’t Keep My Mouth Shut

Throughout the past two years, I’ve been asked a couple of times (honestly I think it’s like twice, haha) why I blog which was mostly pertaining to infertility stuff. As I mentioned before, I didn’t really know what the heck I was doing when I started blogging, and honestly, I still absolutely suck at the technical side of it all (if anyone wants to help, PLEASE  let me know. I don’t know how to change anything! We’ll be best friends 😉 jk). When I got pregnant, I thought, “Alright, cool. I’m going to document this so family and friends across the country and world can kind of watch it all”. When things didn’t go as planned, I didn’t know what to do with myself, the blog- pretty much anything. I was at a standstill, and quite frankly, I was embarrassed and ashamed that we had announced our pregnancy when we did at 10 weeks (four weeks later we found out we lost the baby at a routine ultrasound).

Since our Facebook friends and family knew about us expecting, I was afraid that we’d be asked how I/the baby was doing and I knew it would be weird to some as to why I hadn’t given any updates or posted any photos (I’m sure I have a lot of creepers, haha). I mean, people would probably eventually realize why, but I’ve learned that there are a lot of dumb asses in the world so you never know 😉 We decided that I’d write a Facebook status just giving a general idea of our loss. And you know what? The out pour of support I got was amazing. Instead of crying tears of sorrow, I cried because I felt less alone and cared for, by many of whom weren’t even “friends” or family!

Those texts, phone calls, and messages were huge contributors as to why I didn’t do a complete nose dive. People (even a few guys!) that I hadn’t talked to in years sent well wishes, and many shared their stories about their personal losses as well. They made me realize just how many of us suffer from miscarriages or infertility but keep it to themselves. That is totally okay, but I’d go freaking crazy. Perhaps part of the reason why is because we’re here in Texas and I’m nowhere near my close family and friends, so besides Tyler and our dogs, I don’t have anyone. But there’s another explanation….

I kept a diary in elementary school. It went a little like this:

“Dear Diary,

Today I wore bright purple shorts, and white shirt, and a flowered vest. I slicked my hair back (a girl asked me one time if I used cement to push it back, but nope, it was just a shit ton of hair spray) and wore white shoes. I got my braces tightened yesterday and my teeth really hurt. My friends and I didn’t fight today, and [insert the boy I liked that week here] didn’t talk to me AT ALL. BOO 😦 Maybe tomorrow will be my lucky day! After school I did my homework, played outside, ate spaghetti, and watched Mrs. Doubtfire with my brother tonight.

Talk to you tomorrow!

Love, Kim”

I actually have them all and they’re hilarious to read. Then, In 7th/8th grade, I started to keep a journal. It was pretty much a diary with poems scattered throughout. I was pretty effing deep as a 13 year old 😉 This continued on until the middle/end of my junior year when I stopped completely, but resumed after I graduated high school (my lost or floundering years, haha).

You see, I’ve always loved to write as I like to express my feelings and my truths. Blogging became an outlet to do so. I must mention, I tried keeping another handwritten journal about a year ago which lasted a whole two days as typing is a billion times faster and my hand got super tired 😦

So this is my objective throughout our journey- I hope to become more actively involved in the infertility community. I hope my posts reach those that are struggling, have experienced a loss, or that know someone who is. I’m sure that it has to be difficult and awkward to watch your daughter, sister, friend- whatever- be on a roller coaster of emotions. I want to go beyond the blog, whether it’s in other virtual communities or in my own here in Texas. Infertility and loss is hard enough in itself, but being a military spouse can sometimes add a few more obstacles to it (I’ll be writing more about this soon). My intentions of blogging may be selfish as I want to express my feelings while taking note of what’s up throughout our journey, but I also truly want to give back. There are people out there that knows what it feels like- you are not alone.

So peeps, THAT is why I can’t keep my mouth shut 🙂

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That’s what we got to say about that 😉

 

Behind The Scenes

A few days ago, THIS article popped up on my Newsfeed on Facebook. It was posted on one of the many infertility groups that I’m a member of (not necessarily active- it’s nice to feel less alone), and intrigued me so I clicked on it. Please- read this article. I know that everyone goes through difficult times in life whether it be an illness, death, divorce, job loss, depression, or just a sudden crisis. However, this post not only greatly illustrates what a hidden subject infertility is, but how couples often mask the roller-coaster emotions of sadness, hope and despair, and heartache.

This post is opening up some [mended] wounds, but it’s something I wanted to share. It’s been two years since our loss, and though we’ve gotten some answers and a plan set in place, our dreams still are not fulfilled. I’ve put together some photos or thoughts of things we have gone though.

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El Paso Zoo. August 30, 2013.

The photo above is when I was 12/13 weeks pregnant. Obviously my tata’s liked the pregnancy hormones a lot (I went up an entire cup size in a matter of weeks)…Anyways, Tyler planned a date day and took us to the zoo and then to Babies R Us where we started our registry. He was leaving for the field in a few weeks and wouldn’t be back until mid November, so starting it together was important to us. Looking back, it was such a fun and satisfying day, but after we found out about our loss, I couldn’t look at these photos as I knew we had lost the baby around this time or a couple of days prior.

 

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September 2013.

Tyler LOVES the Chicago Bears. We don’t get all of the games down here in Texas, so Tyler bought me a Bears shirt (Amazon!) and we’d go to Pizza Hut down the road to watch. Two days after this photo was taken, we’d find out that we’d miscarried. Every Sunday after that, I’d order a beer while I did my homework and tried to smile and root for our home team.

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On Tuesday, September 10, 2013, TJ and I headed over the the Mendoza Clinic on East Bliss to get an ultrasound done (separately- he had to go to work after) . You can read about our story HERE. What I didn’t write about is how I only told my mom (and asked her to tell the family) and my best friend what had happened. That Tyler got off his work day to come home with me, and that I laid in bed next to him for 18 hours going through intervals of crying and sleeping in his arms. That I woke up the next morning pissed off and insisted he went to work as I went to class. I wore a Chicago Cubs baseball hat and my glasses the next couple of weeks to help disguise my puffy eyes.

601526_10102861679573128_83870456_nI took the photo above on my way to class one day a few weeks after. It was a crisp Fall day which isn’t very common in West Texas, but the view was absolutely beautiful. It was then that I promised myself that I wouldn’t allow myself fall into the deep hole of depression that I had one foot wallowing in…and that I might be an old graduate, but I was gonna rock the fuck out of the last semester. And I did… but perhaps it was for the wrong reasons.

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 1240234_10102846395662208_1893510720_nThe photo above shows me happily cuddling with Wrigley and potentially studying. I posted this five days after we received the news (no one knew publicly yet) and I still had not had a D&C (it would take another week and a half- ridiculous). I’d come home from class, do any homework, essays, or study, then shower and change and lay in bed the rest of the night. Wriggles must’ve sensed my sadness as he laid with me all the time.

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My beautiful mom and me 🙂

December 2013. Tyler and I went home to Indiana for 10 days for Christmas. Based on my OPK’s, I was ovulating a few days before we left (which ended up being a freaking joke as my blood tests showed I had not ovulated but my LH surged enough to cause positive tests). You need to get at it before ovulation because once you drop an egg, you’re dunzo for the month. Long story short, I ended up having a 30 day cycle and starting my period on Christmas Day. With his family. And I just wanted to lay in bed all day, but I had to act strong- like everything was normal. The only thing that brought me comfort was staying at my moms, which isn’t a great thing when you’re married & visiting family. I told Tyler earlier that month that the only thing I wanted for Christmas was a baby…

Two weeks later, while blowing out my birthday candles, I made the same wish. Neither came true.

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 May 2015. Tyler and I went home for 7 days a month after he came back from Afghanistan. I had gone home in October and January for long weekends when he was deployed, but he had not seen his family since Christmas 2013.  I mentioned multiple times for him to go home solo, but he wouldn’t budge and insisted on me going with. This was a huge mistake, and the moment we stepped foot onto Midway airport when we were flying back to Texas was when I vowed to myself that I’d go with my gut from that day forth.

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My mom’s place and my uncle and aunt’s home are where I find true comfort and belonging.

You see, a few months prior, my dad and his girlfriend planned to throw a little party for him and his safe arrival home. They even contacted my mom to be a part of the planning, and they both worked together to iron out the details of food preparations, decorations, and inviting family and friends from both of their sides. We didn’t have a wedding, so this was BIG for me. Many family members had not met Tyler before, and a few even traveled 3 hours just to attend! However, I was full of anxiety the whole morning while getting ready and going to my dads.

It didn’t help that I was on Femara that month, but I had gotten my period the night before- and it was FULL on. Come to find out, my progesterone was the highest ever recorded thus far, so no wonder why I was a ball of hormones the whole week we were home to visit.

So, I ended up getting pretty drunk. I was stressed and upset and wanted to let go that day. Doing that the night before an early morning flight wasn’t very smart, but lesson learned 😦  Anyways, I asked Tyler to come back after he visited family again….but this was not well received upon some, and I may be deemed selfish. There aren’t any photos of us together during this trip home which is pretty sad. Things may not be what they used to be, but we pushed through it together.

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11811332_10105336307683558_3626875895279024983_nSecond failed round of Femara above. I cried and showered, then got ready. We had the day off together and went to the movies, Blockbuster (get used DVDs and BluRays for cheap!), and lunch, then went home to have wine and make dinner together. I laid in bed that night laughing, joking, and watching movies with my Big, but thoughts of when we’d hold a baby in our arms still entered my mind.

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You see, there is more to life than what is shared on a Facebook status, Tweet, or Instagram photo. We post statuses that portray how awesome our lives are or pictures that show happy times or when we think we look good. I’m by no means saying we should all start airing out our dirty laundry. I don’t want to read negative shit all of the time, but I want people to just be freaking real.  I’d get sucked into such a failure mode sometimes that I’d ask Tyler if it upsets him that his exes and friends all have a kid(s). His answer is always the same….Never- and I’m his baby mama that he was destined to be with, and he didn’t choose them for a reason 😉

So please, be gentle and kind to people, especially if they have opened up about their struggles. There are always two sides to every story or picture. If you’re reading this and feel lost- message me. One of the many things I’ve learned is how important and comforting it is to have someone to talk to when you’re feeling down. I won’t have all of the answers, but I’ll certainly try to make you smile 🙂

First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage, Then Comes….IVF ????

Well, after a meeting with our GYN here back in June, then having two consultations with different Reproductive Endocrinologists in the Phoenix area, we have ultimately decided to move forward and plan on doing IVF (in vitro fertilization). We will also be doing ICSI (intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection) and more than likely PGS (preimplantation genetic screening) with it. I’ll briefly explain what are three procedures are, then answer a few questions that I have been asked.

IVF- Basically, it’s the process of taking the women’s eggs that she produces out of her body with a long needle and putting them into a lab dish with sperm in hopes that they will combine, then transferring an embryo (or embryos) back into a woman’s body. Now it’s much more complicated that that, haha. There are various protocols for different doctors, but a women is typically on birth control from 2-3 weeks to shut down her ovaries and control her cycle. A few days after the last pill is taken, she should have menstrual cycle (I was told it could be very light), and then monitoring via ultrasound and blood work begins as she starts on medication. Injections are then added to the mix to help produce lots of eggs.  The woman is usually put under during the retrieval of the eggs.

You can either do a fresh or frozen cycle. If it’s fresh, the embryos are put back inside 3-5 days after the retrieval. If it’s frozen, you don’t do the transfer until the following cycle. I’ve heard that more and more doctor’s are doing frozen cycles as they are more successful overall (this is what both of the RE’s we spoke with do), but there’s obvious success with both. The woman is NOT put out during the transfer, but is supposed to take it easy for a few days (and sometimes even be on bed rest) in hopes that implantation will occur.

ICSI- ICSI is simply used in combination with IVF. The meds and montoring are done the same way, but after the retrieval, the embryologist actually directly injects a sperm into an egg instead of just hoping they will combine in the lab dish. This is more effective when you have a male factor involved (as we do) or if the woman does not produce many eggs. Yes, it costs extra, but it’s obviously worth it!

PGS- This is a screening that is sometimes controversial.One or more cells are removed from each embryo to check for any chromosomal abnormalities. When an embryo has a chromosomal abnormality, there is a high chance that it will not implant; thus, the IVF cycle will obviously fail. However, it if does implant, it will often times lead to miscarriage. There’s the whole debate between people on how embryos are already considered a form of life and shouldn’t be messed with. I’m not here to discuss this issue. At first I didn’t think twice about this screening as it’s pretty pricey (about $3,000-$5,000 extra on top of the IVF/ICSI), but Tyler was all for it as it will decrease our risk of miscarriage and increase our chances of a live birth. Only embryos that pass the screening will be transferred back into me.

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Had to insert this little prom pose photo from the ball in July to break up the text, haha.

Hopefully that makes things a bit more understandable about the process 🙂 You can read about why we chose to go the IVF route HERE.

I’ll save our tentative plan for next time, but here’s a few questions that I’ve been asked lately:

 

Does your insurance cover it? No, Tricare does not cover IUI or IVF. Basically, anything that is not being done in conjunction with timed intercourse isn’t covered. However, there are a few military bases across the country that do these procedures at a discounted rate. The closest one to us is in San Antonio, and I was actually referred there by my GYN but was denied as they were not accepting new patients then. There are a few reasons why we chose not to go to a military hospital that offers treatment. First of all, you have to be there for about 3 weeks total. That’s a long ass time and you obviously have to pay for travel and lodging expenses. Tyler wouldn’t need to be there the whole time with me, but still. Secondly, each hospital does the IVF in clusters and they only do the cycles 3-4 times a year. I understand the concept to it, but what the hell. Also, they do fresh cycles and do not do the PGS. So there’s that 🙂

Hopefully this is true 🙂

Where will you be doing this? I spent weeks researching RE’s in the Southwest cities that are within driving distance from El Paso and Fort Huachuca, AZ- Albuquerque, Tuscan, and Phoenix. I looked into Colorado Springs, but that’s almost 12 hours from Huachuca and that would be God awful sitting in a car for that long feeling like shit on stims or sick after the retrieval. Plus, I need to be able to do this drive on my own if need be, and I ain’t driving that far 😉 After viewing websites and reviews, I found a few doctor’s in Phoenix that caught my eye and narrowed it down to two. The facility we are doing this at is in Gilbert, AZ- and the ironic part is that the building is literally right next door to the apartments I lived in back in 2008/2009. Like I could see my old balcony from the office, haha.

We dropped off our medical records before we met with another RE in early August and were both highly impressed with the facility, New Direction Fertility. After a mix-up about a phone consultation two weeks ago, we were able to rescheduled for last Friday night. Tyler and I spoke with the doctor on speaker phone, and he answered everything thoroughly and then some. This doctor was the only one that found that I have elevated AMH levels which is a sign of PCOS. I have been told for almost two years that I don’t have PCOS (no multiple cysts, no facial hair, high testosterone levels, not overweight, not resistant to insulin), but elevated AMH levels can make it more difficult to conceive. My AMH was 7.62ng/ML, so while it’s nothing out of this world, it’s not within normal range for my age.

The doc also seems to work well with out-of-state patients making it as easy as possible. IVF is a very time consuming, emotional and physically challenging procedure, so anything that will help me understand and relax is appreciated. Him and his wife suffered from infertility and they now have two sets of twins from IVF which he did himself!

Why are you going straight to IVF and not going to attempt IUI first? I mentioned that in my previous post, but to be more specific, it’s due to success rates and finances. The RE we are seeing does IUI’s for a pretty good price and said he thinks we could get pregnant in 3-4 rounds of it. Key word is “thinks”. While we know that IVF is not a sure thing, the chances of success are about 70-75% (with PGS) compared to the 7% with IUI. We also had to think about traveling to Phoenix for each round and the emotional stress of it. Plus, IUI might not work and then we would proceed to IVF so we’d be paying more in the long run.

Lmao. This should be interesting as I was such a treat on Clomid :/

That’s all I’ve got for now, but please don’t hesitate to ask any questions! 🙂 Also, I understand that everyone has their own different views and opinions not only about advanced reproductive procedures, but about our journey as well. While I’m willing to discuss it all as I know it’s a sensitive, taboo, and sometimes embarrassing or shameful topic, I just want it to be known that it’s still hard for me to wrap my mind around it all. We are more than ready for the next chapter in our lives (not just meaning pregnancy and parenthood), and I’m both scared and excited about what the next several months will hold for us 🙂

 

 

June 2015 Fertility & TTC Update

It’s been quite a while since I’ve done an fertility update…or any sort of post for that matter. I’ll be honest- since Tyler got home two months ago, I have really had no desire to blog. With working 40+ hours a week, my free time has been devoted to normal day-to-day activities and spending time with him. It’s been nice to kinda just live in the moment, and quite frankly, I really don’t have much to say at this point in my life, haha. Sure, I could document our meals and work outs and recap our days/dates, but I don’t see that happening anytime soon 😉 For now, I’m just going to give an update on what’s been going on with this whole trying for a baby thing.

First of all, I started taking 5mg of Femara (Letrozole) late April (my cycle actually started the day before Tyler got home, haha. Talk about sucky timing, but it enabled us to start fertility meds quite quickly! I had VERY little side effects compared to Clomid. This time, I only experienced extreme fatique and headaches while on it from cycle days 5-9. I also had a lot of bloating around ovulation and while that was uncomfortable, it wasn’t unbearable by any means. I used OPKs and got a positive around cycle day 15….AND my Day 21 labs showed that my progesterone was 29- the highest it’s EVER been!!!! I seriously listened to my doctor’s voice mail on repeat and cried a little, haha. Unfortunately, we didn’t conceive.

This past cycle we did the same protocol with Femara. My OPKs were positive on cycle day 15 and my Day 21 labs were even better- 37!!!!! Unfortunately, it didn’t work again, but I’m happy with how my body has responded with this medicine.

We got some unfortunate news a couple of weeks ago regarding Tyler’s sperm analysis results. It showed a significant decrease in sperm count (10 million/ml), mobility (40%) and shape (8%). I had an appointment with our doctor a few days ago, and she put in a referral for Tyler to see a Urologist and requested for another analysis to be done. We have a follow up appointment in 3 weeks to go over what the Urologist says after an examination and to compare the two test results. However, she said if the second test did not show an increase, she would higher recommend in-vitro fertilization (IVF). This came as a huge surprise to be as I was adamant that she was going to say IUI. I will make a post about the differences between IVF and IUI within a military setting (somewhat different that a civilian setting) and the pro’s and cons of each, but right now, we are just trying to wrap our minds around this new information. IVF is quite expensive, but it is much more successful that IUI. It is also much more invasive and harder on the woman’s body that IUI, but then again, more successful.

We are researching IVF and talking about our options in case this is the route we decide to go. The military hospitals do IVF in cycles- there is one currently going on now and the next cycle should be in September/October….so our doctor said we could potentially get things going quite quickly. We will see what we find out over the next few weeks. In the meantime, I will not be doing another round of Femara this cycle (doc said it would be pointless) so it’ll be interesting to see if my body ovulates on it’s own. I’ll continue to take Pregnitude, a prenatal vitamin, and will be taking Vitex as well. I ordered TJ Fertilaid and Motility boost off Amazon (doctor suggested this although I had already bought it prior to our appointment), so we shall see if that helps.

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We are celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary next weekend, and I can’t wait! Though things may not have been picture perfect compared to some marriages with this whole trying to conceive thing and the deployment, I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Have a great weekend 🙂

How I’m Naturally Trying to Regulate My Cycles & Boost Ovulation

When we got news that Tyler was deploying, we agreed that I would keep monitoring my progesterone levels each month, but I would not use ovulation tests and partake in temping. It became too stressful to constantly use OPKs, only to get a negative pregnancy test month after month. There was no point in me keeping track of this stuff on my own.

It was honestly a relief to just be free for a while as those little strips would sometimes have an impact on my mindset or mood. However, I’ve researched the crap out of conceiving via the “natural route” (herbal remedies, acupuncture, etc.) and Western medicine. There is no discrimination on our end- we are for them both. However, TJ and I both agreed that trying to prepare my body for conception a few months before he got home was a proactive measure. Out of the nearly 10 months Tyler was gone, there were only two months where my progesterone was above 5 (September was around 6 and October was around 7). Every other month my body just simply wasn’t ovulating, and it’s impossible to conceive without ovulation. Side note: some women do not ovulate every single cycle- that’s not abnormal. It becomes abnormal when it happens repeatedly.

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Fertilaid, 81mg of baby aspirin, Pregnitude, folic acid, Vitex, and fertility tea. I don’t use these all at the same time!

I continued taking a prenatal vitamin after Tyler left, but I switched to every other day with a woman’s multivitamin in between. I didn’t want to waste the multivitamins, so that was the main force behind that decision, haha. The prenatal vitamins I use are from my OBGYN and I pick them up from the pharmacy on post. That and the folic acid tablet, which I take when we are activity TTC, are both free with Tricare!

I also heard about Pregnitude. It’s a little pricey, but we’re all for investing money in trying to have a baby. I’ll be honest- I didn’t take two packets a day as the directions showed- I only did one. However, the months I did this, my progesterone was higher (see above)! I don’t know if it was the Pregnitude or just a coincidence, but I stopped taking it after October and my progesterone was never above 2 after that. Perhaps I should’ve kept on taking the supplement, but I didn’t see the point as Tyler would still be gone for many months so it felt like a waste of money.

After reading numerous articles about it online, ordered Vitex via Amazon a few months ago. You can read about it HERE. One of the benefits of it is that it is supposed to help naturally regulate your cycle which is what I need. The capsules are like freaking horse pills and look like dirt is inside of it. I got one caught in my thought and it tasted like I just ate a block of wood😐  Aside from that, my cycle from March-April was 33 days long! Keep in mind that I took Vitex and Pregnitude. My progesterone on CD 21 was still less than 2 though, so while it shortened my cycle, I didn’t ovulate which is our ultimate goal. However, even if/when I ovulate, who knows if the egg quality will be good. A RE would be able to do tests and relay this information to us.

Fertilaid is another supplement that is supposed to help balance out female hormones which helps aid in conception. I only took this a few times so I can’t give my opinion about it yet. I also ordered Fertilaid for Men for Tyler. Some men might get all butt hurt about taking a supplement, but he was all for it (as long as it was all natural- can’t take your chances of pissing hot while in the military unless you’re a dummy). He stopped taking it once I “thought” I may have ovulated as this shit isn’t cheap. I say thought because I don’t trust OPK’s 100% based on past cycles with getting positive tests, yet NOT ovulating based on my progesterone results or getting good readings but not getting knocked up. Then there was that month when I got like 10 straight days of positive tests, haha. 😉 Anyways, Tyler will get his seman analysis done early cycle. My doctor told us to hold off and enjoy ourselves this first month. His last analysis about a year and a half ago came back normal, but they like to test every 12 months when TTC (although we weren’t active much of this time) and after a deployment as you are pumped with various vaccinations.

Moontime, the organic fertility tea, is actually super good! It has a slight minty taste to it, and I’ve enjoyed it in the morning and evening. I’ve also been sipping on hot Green tea and adding the Pregnitude to it.

As I mentioned before, we are trying medicated cycles now (first round of Femara at 5mg…but I’m pretty sure this cycle was another bust). However, I hope the supplements have been helping my body prepare for conception in the near future. I had a vaginal ultrasound done last month on like CD 28 and the lady said my lining was thin and I should expect a period in about two weeks…but my period started 3 days later. So yeah. I’m wanting to thicken my uterine lining as that plays a huge role in implantation. I honestly don’t think we will even try Clomid again as one of the side effects is thinning of the lining. I’ll have freaking nothing left, haha!

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Needed a selfie to break up the text 😉

 

Alright, I’m off to watch a movie with Tyler and our boys. Hope you all have a great week!

*Have you or someone you know ever tried natural fertility supplements?

*Do you know of anything else that I didn’t mention?

 

 

 

My Big Sexy is HOME… and a Few Life Updates

I’m SO incredibly happy to announce that Tyler is home! Though he spent a few days traveling and stuck in airports (DFW and AA suck…sorry, but I’ve had a few bad experiences myself), he finally landed in El Paso last Saturday afternoon. Words can’t describe what it felt like to see him again….Honestly, it felt surreal, and in a way, it still kinda does. I guess that’s what nearly 10 months apart does to you, haha.

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My heart is home.

I was off Saturday, Sunday, and Monday but it was a whirlwind. We spent our days just being together and doing shit that needed to be done, in addition to some fun things such as activating our new phones (I love you iPhone 6) and buying new bedding (still need to get some accent pillows and make some décor). Papa Murphy’s pizza and wine was his choice of meal upon his return home, so I had that waiting for him 🙂

We put together this TV stand (this bitch weighed like 70 pounds so I couldn’t do it solo) and he installed a few other things he ordered while he was gone. His army room/our work out room (our 3rd bedroom) looks like a tornado went through it, but I honestly could give a rat. As much as we may butt heads sometimes, it’s amazing to look over and see him next to me or hear him call my name.

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Yes, that is indeed Nintendo 64 🙂

On a different note, I started my period the day before Tyler got home (well, on Thursday the 23rd- he was supposed to be home the following day but came home the 25th). It was the first time in 7 months that my cycle was relatively normal (33 day as opposed to 45+). That was pretty awesome timing 😉 As much as the timing sucked, it was nice to get things rolling early.

I started Femara (Letrozole) a few days ago… today was actually my last day taking it which is cycle day 9. I’ll write another post comparing my side effects of this medicine to Clomid. Tyler got his blood work done yesterday and will go in for another sperm analysis within the next 2 weeks.

I’m cutting this post short, but for those of you that keep up with my blog- I apologize for such infrequent posts. My life was honestly work, cleaning, working out, Netflix, playing with our dogs, and grocery shopping/meal prepping the past several months. I was just in survival mode without him, haha 🙂 Hopefully now I can add something more and be more motivated to upload my crafts and recipes. If you don’t already, you should follow me on Facebook and Instagram!

Cheers to a great weekend and my husband returning home safely from his 3rd deployment 🙂