April 2015 Update

So this morning I had a follow up appointment with our doctor. All of my labs came back normal (except my progesterone which is always very low). That’s awesome in a way, but sometimes I feel like if we knew what the deal was, then perhaps there would be some type of actual treatment for it. Anyways, my cycle day 21 fell over the weekend, so I got another blood draw to check my progesterone levels after my appointment.

My doctor set up Plan A for us which goes as follows:

  • On cycle day 35 (Saturday, April 25) I can either take the Provera she prescribed me to induce a period OR wait for it to come on it’s own. Over the past several months, my cycles have been anywhere from 40-57 days long… Tyler is wanting me to take the med (as am I)…we wanna get the show on the road when he returns. However, I took this medication last year and nothing happened- NO menstrual cycle. I finally had to be put on birth control for a month to induce a period 😦  So we shall see.

 

  • After a new cycle occurs, I was told to call my doctor ASAP to notify her. I’ll then have to go get an HCG (pregnancy) blood test done on post to ensure I’m not pregnant (dumb because my husband has been gone for 9 months, but procedures over rule). She should receive those results within a day or two and then send in my prescription for Femara (letrozole) to take on cycle days 5-9

 

  • I will have to go through this each cycle (calling, HCG blood test, then picking up my prescription) which is different than Clomid. I didn’t have to go through the blood work to get my prescription with Clomid, so although it’s a bit more of a hassle (especially with working full-time and the labs/pharmacy being slow as fuck sometimes), we are content with trying a different medication with less side effects.

 

  • We will repeat this plan for 2-3 cycles. If nothing happens, we will move foward.

 

Plan B will either be trying Clomid for 2-3 cycles OR being referred to a specialist. There is only ONE RE is El Paso, and the wait time is a few months. However, there are one or two OBGYN’s that specialize in infertility, so we would probably go that route due to our time restraint of PCSing early next year. Injections and/or IUI would be Plan B if we choose not to do Clomid again.

So that’s it- short and sweet. Honestly, all I want is to see my husband again. It’s the little things in life that he does mean the most to me, such as kissing me goodbye every single morning before he goes to PT; demanding a kiss when one of us comes home from work; holding my hand while we’re driving, at the movies, or just out and about; playing with our dogs as if they were children…I can’t wait to see him watching his boring ass TV shows (I’m sorry, but I cannot get into Game of Thrones for the life of me) while I cuddle up next to him reading a book or simply drifting off to sleep…

Anyways, we shall see what happens. I’ve been trying to focus on the things I have, rather than the things I don’t have. And it’s made life a tad bit sweeter 😉

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Cubs Spring Training in Arizona last March. I obviously don’t have recent pics of us, and this is fitting for the time of year. Go Cubbies!

 

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TTC and Religion…????

Trying to conceive and religion. Yes, this is a touchy and taboo subject, but I’m going there. More specifically, gearing more towards miscarriages and infertility and trying to conceive. This post is coming from my heart- what’s been on my mind lately.

I  very recently came across a blog post with a pregnancy announcement which is awesome news. I want to make it clear that although these announcements tug at my heart and sometimes make me shed a tear or two, I’m genuinely happy for the couple. However, this announcement made me slightly cringe for the following reasons. She was bitching about not conceiving although only trying for a mere 4-5 months. Yes, weeks and months drag when you’re TTC, but come on now. I know blogs are a place for people to express their thoughts and opinions…but some people  may give the side eye when hearing others complain about bringing a second/third child into the world is taking too long on their specific timeline.

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What irked me the most was the comment “God is Good!!!!” and “Everything happens in God’s time!” when conveying the announcement. Alright lady. So God is good to you…but what about me? Or the thousands of other women who have experienced a loss or infertility or just simply trying to drop a damn egg and ovulate on their own?

Is it because God doesn’t feel like the time is right? Or because he doesn’t think they’d be good parents? Or because they aren’t suited for each other?

I’m sorry, but I think it’s downright rude. Would God like you to be rude and condescending? I don’t think so.

It’s simply a matter of freaking science, although many may disagree. If it weren’t, I wouldn’t be spending so much time with doctor’s appointments and monitoring my hormone levels while my husband is thousands of miles away (in a warzone), so we can approach things the best way possible when he gets home as I’ll be hitting nearly 30.

I didn’t grow up extremely religious. I’m Catholic. I went to CCD every Wednesday; was baptized,  made my communion, and confirmation. However, we typically only went to Church a few Sundays out of the year and on holidays (occasionally). After my parent’s divorced when I was 12, I went to church with my best friend when I’d spend the night with her on Saturday evenings or Sunday mornings.

I’m by no means discounting religion. I’d like to believe in a higher power, but that’s it. God didn’t make me meet my husband- I was simply at the right place at the right time. God didn’t pull my head out of my ass and help me graduate college- I did. I simply feel that it’s not fair to solely base God’s timing on conception. Yes, I believe things (sometimes) happen for a reason. What about those who simply cannot conceive on their own? That either need scientific intervention or resort to adoption? Both of these circumstances can result in absolutely beautiful outcomes…

This is a short post, but it’s something I had to express. I don’t like clinging onto bad moods and sometimes writing about it makes me feel better…

Do you think it’s all in God’s hands whether or not someone will conceive or not?

 

 

 

A Quick Update- February 2015

While it may be that I write these updates more for myself than anything else, it’s been nice (well, not sure I’d use the word nice…perhaps helpful?….to look back and see what was going on with my cycles, testing, and how I was feeling at the time. I have a few things to share since the last update, so here we go:

  • I had a cycle that lasted from October 9-November 9 which was pretty decent for me (31 days). The next cycle was from November 9- December 26…uhh WTF. I stopped counted after CD 35. My labs showed that I did not ovulate this month, but I could have had a late ovulation since the cycle was so long. I haven’t had a period since December 26…I don’t know what cycle day I’m on, but it doesn’t even matter since it’s been so long. I didn’t have my progesterone checked this cycle because I was out of town and the office was closed on the weekend when I should’ve been tested.
  • I had a doctor’s appointment a few weeks ago and we discussed a few things. First, my cycle day 3 labs, where they check the LH, FSH, and estradiol, came back normal! This is good news as my ovaries ARE working, but there is a disconnect between the first phase of my cycle and the last phase. She wanted to do some lab work to double check for PCOS. I didn’t have any symptoms of it besides my long/erratic cycles, but it didn’t hurt to see. She emailed me the other day and told me everything came back normal…no PCOS.
  • We contemplated with the idea of getting a laparoscopy done to see if I have any endometriosis. However, because you’re put under for this and it can be rather uncomfortable, we decided to hold off. The doctor honestly didn’t think this was the case for me. I’d want Tyler to be there with me for this anyways.
  • I’ve gained about 10-12 pounds since July of last year (when TJ left). We thought that this would help regulate my cycle…but so far, it hasn’t. To be honest, this wasn’t always that easy for me. When I’m stressed…I have no appetite. However, incorporating more healthy fats, more carbs (I effing love these asiago cheese bagels by Einsten Bros. from Target, haha), and laying off the cardio is what helped the most. It’s discouraging that this hasn’t helped regulate things so far, but that’s okay. Looking back at some pictures, I did need to gain a few pounds. I started running again, but only a few days a week and it’s more like running/walking intervals while watching House Hunters 😉
  • My current doctor is deploying in April….pretty much around the time Tyler gets home, so I’ll be seen by my old doctor (the one I had some issues with). I don’t want to go through the hassle of finding someone else, and she knows us and our situation.
  • Finally, both docs agreed that our best chances to conceive will be via medicated cycles. We are going to try Clomid first, but ONLY two more rounds of this. If we have no luck with that, then we will be referred out and they suggested medication, the HCG trigger shot, and IUI. You can forgo the IUI and just do a medicated cycle with the trigger shot and timed intercourse, but the success rate is higher when you go the IUI route instead. It’s a few hundred bucks more (a grand total of about $1,000 PER cycle…yikes!), but they said it’s better this way as you get more bang for your buck (swear she said that, haha). We aren’t going to sit and dick around 🙂 However, TJ will be up to be promoted to Captain in November and then it’s on to Fort Huachuca, Arizona. So we shall see how the rest of the year pans out.

Alright, I’m gonna go do some errands on my day off! Super stoked that it’s February, but I hope the next couple of months fly by. I’m SO ready to see my husband again 🙂

 

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Figured I needed a picture in this post 😉

* What are your thoughts on Clomid?

*Have you or anyone you know used the trigger shot with timed intercourse or IUI?

Trying to Conceive in the Military Community

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything about fertility as my husband is in the midst of a nine month deployment and trying to conceive is obviously on hiatus. However, TTC and being a part of the military community is something that I struggle with. This issue may come off as if I’m complaining (which I kind of am!) or ungrateful (I’m totally NOT!)…take it as you please- this post is more for me getting it off my chest and venting 🙂

FYI- my last cycle started on November 8…it’s been a rough couple of months. My progesterone levels were lower than 1, and this past cycle obviously abnormally long (started my current one on December 26th. I swear the only thing I wished for for Christmas was Tyler staying safe and getting a god damn period, haha). I’ve done everything within my control to gain normal cycles-…I honestly don’t think the wine and cocktails I consumed affected my reproductive system THAT much… There seems to be a connection with my abnormally long cycles and extremely low progesterone levels…. Anyways, we shall see how the next few months ago. I have an appointment with my OBGYN later this month.

When Tyler and I started dating, there was absolutely no mention of him going back in the army as an officer. He was in his last year of undergrad (after serving 6 years in the military, going through two 12 month tours in Iraq, and getting out as a Staff Sergeant at the age of 24- pretty badass)… and had mentioned going to grad school. However, there was an obvious change of plans seeing that he is now a 1st Lieutenant, haha. We got married when I was 26 and he was 29…in a couple of weeks I turn 29 and he will be 32 in March.

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Point blank- we are old for not having any children in the military community. TJ has always had the mentality of not comparing himself to anyone else as he seriously doesn’t give a shit, but it’s something that is sometimes difficult for me.

SO many enlisted soldiers marry early and they conceive (thank God TJ and his ex wife didn’t)… and continue doing so. The wives often times blame the military on not being able to get a job or further their education which is ridiculous (MYCAA- will help you get at least an associates degree if you meet the requirements).

After our miscarriage in September of 2013, I became so much more aware of pregnancy things. Not just more knowledgeable about the topics of miscarriage and fertility, but more emotionally aware.

A week after my D&C, I went to a Hail and Farewell (basically a gathering at a location or restaurant to honor those who are leaving the unit and welcoming those coming in) with Tyler. I didn’t want to go, but I did… and it was hard. I found out that a fellow army wife was expecting… and her and another wife (who was due a week before I was due… and kept rubbing her freaking belly) spent pretty much the whole evening talking about pregnancy issues. I remained on the opposite end of the table, holding my husband’s hand, and sipping on a beer.

These are normal things to talk about, but seeing as they knew we had just endured a loss 1/3 of the way through a pregnancy, it made me give them the side-eye. Bottom line- it hurt my fucking feelings, and I cried the whole way home. And, I avoided most army-related events from there on out which may be immature or weak on my end as I truly want to be there for my husband, but it was something I felt like I had to do to continue moving forward.

Going to the doctor is a whole other issue. Here, at Fort Bliss, if you’re under Tricare Prime, you can either go to the hospital, William Beaumont, or be seen at the clinic (it’s a new, nice facility) on East Bliss. Tyler works on East Bliss and it’s closer to our house, so that’s where I’m typically seen (however, my new obgyn is at the hospital). Some days are better than others when I go for lab work or appointments, but sometimes it completely sucks donkey seeing young ass girls with children. Usually it’s a baby with a toddler that they can’t control and they seem to be like 22.

My doctors have even made comments about young girls complaining that they haven’t gotten pregnant within the first few months of trying… I’ll never forget the tone my old OBGYN had when I initially went in for infertility (and happened to be pregnant at the time!)…she thought I was much younger than I was, then changed her demeanor when she saw my birth date, haha 🙂

Military families are supposed to come together. Tyler deployed outside of his unit; therefore, I have had absolutely no support from a FRG. I don’t know if it is normal or not, but it has put a bad taste in my mouth about the “support group” we are supposed to have. I know a handful of spouses who have experienced a deployment since moving here, and they have posted a shit ton of get togethers, events, etc. with their FRG…and have seemed to have made lifelong friends. If I ever become in charge of the FRG at TJ’s future units, I’ll ensure that everyone is included… and checked in on 😉 But this is beside the point.

I feel as if I should create a club for army wives to come together with spouses that are deployed (there is one for spouses TTC, but not for deployed spouses).

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I think many people don’t know how to talk to those that are having trouble. I understand- before our situation, I would have no idea what to do or say! From what I have gathered through blogging and being open about our situation with family and friends- saying nothing implies that it’s not a big deal or that you don’t care. But it IS a big deal.

Also, don’t be afraid to talk about your pregnancy/baby. If you push me under the rug about a pregnancy….I’m sorry, but I’ll push you under the rug about the birth. Don’t hide news about a pregnancy! It may tug at my heart a bit and I will probably be slightly jealous, but I’m truly happy for you- and I’ll want to know details and hold the babes once it makes an appearance 🙂

I was not the “best of friends” with some people in my earlier years, but I have discussed infertility issues with them for the past couple of years and have watched them birth amazing babies… It really opens your eyes as to who your true friends are… but I’ll get to that in another post.

Not only have these few women brought new light into my world, they taught me to be my own advocate. I don’t think I’m getting the best healthcare right now….my husband may oppose this notion because “it’s free”. I understand that throwing women on Clomid may work for many, but it’s also dangerous as it can cause ovarian cysts, thinning of the uterine lining, and ovarian cancer.  My mom was on Clomid as her and my dad experienced secondary infertility after I was born (my brother and I are 5 years apart)… and she was even monitored back then! That’s why I get upset about our healthcare… but we’ll deal with it until we conceive or have to move onto Plan B.

To wrap things up, it will be interesting to see what happens. The thing I’m looking forward to the most this year is being reunited with my husband…my world will not be okay until I come face to face again and feel him in my arms… 🙂

Cheers to 2015!

* If you’re a part of a military community, have you ever experienced any sort of issues?

*What are you looking forward to the most this year?

Update- November 2014 and Extras That are TMI

This shall be short and sweet for real- I always say this but end up rambling on :/ Highlights:

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The photos in this post have nothing to do with anything, but I went home last month and it was freaking awesome!

 

  • Met with a new OBGYN that “specializes” in fertility treatment-  This basically means that they like treating patients that have issues conceiving and have been somewhat successful helping them. My last doc was the same, but she is on maternity leave…so everyone was referred out to someone else for the time being. I had my initial appointment on Monday, October 27th. So far, I love this doctor! She’s more my pace for one- looked me in the eye, addressed all my questions, and answered everything thoroughly. AND she came up with a tentative “gameplan” for TJ and I when he gets home. Not some bullshit, we’ll wait then throw you at Clomid again. Since I’ve been and will be continued to be monitored, they will have an idea of my hormone levels for almost a year.

 

  • PAP- I’m sure no one in their right mind would ever discuss this, but I don’t give a fuck. I asked for another pap despite having one done in January. Here’s the reason why:

*My first abnormal pap was at age 19. My obgyn did a biopsy and precancerous cells were found; therefore, I was advised to get a LEEP done right away. I was mind-boggled as I had only been with one person, as well as ashamed and embarrassed. This is NOT something that is openly discussed, but it’s a huge issue in society….that’s for another blog post though. LEEP is performed which basically lasers out a layer (or layers?) of your cervix to remove the precancerous areas.

*Clear for the next couple of years.

*Late September 2008- Abnormal pap again at age 22. I was moving to Arizona a few days after getting this news which was pretty awesome. I wasn’t in school at the time and was paying for my own health insurance ($250 a month…then had to pay for the biopsy and LEEP. FML- this shit wasn’t cheap and I was making like 8 bucks an hour, haha). Anyways, I flew home early November for LEEP #2.

*Late 2009- I end everything with my ex and meet my now-husband a few months later. However, in May 2011, I get yet another abnormal pap. My doc will not do another LEEP since I’m young (25) and have no children. I’m prescribed Aldera for 12 weeks which is a suppository. The medicine makes me nauseous and very fatigued, but it worked!

***  This is why I hold my breath with each pap. I’m fucking scared. I’m in the midst of waiting for the results of my latest one, and my doctors aren’t sure what route we will go should it comes back abnormal. My cervix probably won’t be able to hold a baby full-term if I get another LEEP…so I’m assuming it’d be Aldara again or something similar.

  • Semen Analysis- Tyler has to get this done as soon as he gets home. Unfortunately, he was pumped with so many vaccinations before leaving which could affect this sperm.

 

Good news! My progesterone was at 7.11!!! Low, but highest it’s been since monitoring. So far, it seems I have months where it’s non-existent and others where it’s a little low, but higher.

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Gloomy but beautiful Fall day back in Indiana last month.

 

 

***Have you ever had an abnormal pap?

 

***If so, What approach did your doctor take?

 

 

 

Books About Infertility

The 2 week wait (2ww) after a positive opk resulting in yet another negative pregnancy test gets discouraging as months carry on. There were 2 months late last year when I was absolutely sure I was pregnant.  How could I not be when everything was tracked and timed and I took all of the advice I was told or read about?! Obviously life has a plan of it’s own.

A handful of friends that are/have gone through similar situations and websites (which I know are not always reliable) helped me better understand exactly how complex it is to conceive. Some people are fertile effing myrtle, but others aren’t. I wanted a couple of books that explained various reasons that infertility occurs, how to cope with it, and real-life situations. After some research, I ordered the following two books on Amazon.

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This book focused on slightly older couples that had trouble conceiving or waited too long and had to seek other avenues (multiple rounds of IVF, adoption, surrogates, etc.). However, they stated that problems can arise at any age- every body is different. It did a wonderful job explaining emotions that come along with the journey month after month and how it can affect your relationship with your partner. Topics such as why the emotions are so complex (so many emotions surface during this trying time), why things have possibly went wrong, and how to grieve and cope with infertility are explored. I’ll be in the midst of my last year of my 20’s when TJ gets home. I’m not “old”, but we want a damn baby and don’t want to be hee-hawin’ around.

This book struck my emotional side, helped me feel less alone and as if I were abnormal, and come to terms with the fact that everyone handles things differently. I highly suggest buying it if you or someone you know is having issues- it was only a few bucks on Amazon!

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The Infertility Survival Handbook shared medical procedures in a more detailed manner. It thoroughly explained tests diagnosis, issues men may have and treatments, and how to decide which approach to take given your situation. It went on to discuss how to talk with family and friends about it (we all cope with things differently, and some people are more private than others…obviously I am not one of those people!), how to afford treatment (it’s expensive as shit!!! Maybe I should start playing the lotto…), how to understand your cycle, and what to expect once you begin treatment. Dealing with unsuccessful treatment is touched on lightly, along with exploring other options.

This is the go-to book if your dealing with fertility issues. So many questions are answered, and although it’s not as emotionally-driven as Unsung Lullabies, it provides so much helpful information. This baby-making is a complex process; I never realized it until I started researching everything and talking to others after our miscarriage.

Have you ever read any books on infertility/trouble conceiving? If so, which ones?

Did you ever have to use alternative options to have children (medication, trigger shots, IUI, IVF, adoption)? How did you feel about that?

How long did you try to conceive on your own until you sought professional help?

 

 

Update- October 2014. One Step Forward and 5 Steps Back

I was hesitant about doing a month by month check-in about what’s new with my cycle and progesterone levels because most people probably don’t give a shit, but then I realized that I write this blog for myself 🙂 It’s been a useful to regarding remember certain dates and cycle lengths and such, and despite not wanting to worry about all that stuff seeing that there is virtually no chance to conceive over the next several months, I know it’ll help us in the end. It gives me a thorough description of what went on each month which may be beneficial upon Tyler’s return and we have to figure out where to go from there. And, if I can help or be relatable to a few people along the way, then it’s definitely worth my time still! Anyways, I’ll keep this short and sweet and say this month blew absolute ass in this department.

I went to the clinic on day 23 of my cycle since day 21 fell on a Saturday. I looked at my results online last Friday and my progesterone levels were at .46. W.T.F. This is the LOWEST number I have ever gotten, and I was freaking crushed. I’ll tell ya, I miss my husband every single day, but in this moment, I absolutely yearned to hold him. Instead, I made a drink and watched one of my favorite movies, Big, haha. Classy, I know, and you wont ever hear me complain about feeling lonely during this time, but I truly felt alone that day. It took a day to get over my pity party, but I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t still annoyed. I know it’s pointless to feel this way though and it’s really nothing I can control.

Love this picture of Wrigley, haha.

The thing is- I thought things were going to get better. I’m not the most positive person on the planet, but I really, really thought positive. Last cycle was 31 or 32 days and my progesterone level was 6.9 on cycle day 21. Not amazing number but the best I’ve ever measured naturally! I cut my cardio down to virtually zero (I walk a shit ton at work though but obviously never get my heart rate up). I gained nearly ten pounds over the course of three months. And it didn’t do effing shit but made things worse, haha.

I was once again told that maybe it’s stress, and I asked what in the world I have to be stressed about? Aside from no baby in my arms, our lives have fallen into place for the most part. I was looked at as if I had three heads when I asked this…. oh yeah, my husband is deployed to a scary ass place, and my job can be stressful at times. Bu I truly don’t think these two components would stress my body out enough to produce pretty much no progesterone and haul ovulation, but who knows.

After a crappy last few days (tooth issues, horrible Day 21 lab results- lowest progesterone level I've EVER had while being monitored- like nonexistent, and an effing kitchen sink leak), I came home from work to a box from my mom filled with these goodies. She knows Fall is my favorite time of year...I love you! This made me cry although I'm a little unsure about the purple glitter pumpkin, haha  And thank you for the awesome mug, Kathleen!

I came home from work last week to find a box sent by my mom on our doorstep. She knew I had a few crappy days and knows I absolutely LOVE the Fall, so sent me a box of goodies! So sweet.

The obgyn I have been seeing since our initial pregnancy is out of office until the end of the year as she was pregnant herself (via IVF). I also was assigned a new PCM (primary care physician, which is like my general doctor)- I loved loved loved my old one so this is a bummer. The new one called the other day and told me to call the hospital and request an appointment with a new obgyn. She saw in my files that we were trying to conceive for a while, and it was noted that although my husband’s deployed, we want to keep tabs on my cycles during this time so we have a course of action planned soon after he gets home. Hopefully it doesn’t take me three flipping months to be seen 😉

It will actually be nice to get another profession’s opinion and insight. I’ve learned that you HAVE to be your own advocate. If you sit around waiting for shit to happen, it’s probably not going to happen. We should be leaving Texas about six months after TJ gets home, so we’d like to have a better idea of what’s up before having to start the process of moving and such. I’m not even sure if where we are going next has any obgyn’s that treat fertility more than just throwing Clomid at them! We may have to travel to get additional help if need be….but like usual, I’m getting too far ahead of myself, haha.

My favorite girl sent me this mug last week!

So, that’s that. I’m obviously going to keep my caloric intake up (I don’t count calories, just eat more!), but I’m also introducing cardio back into my life. Tyler and I discussed this and he’s down since this was my main stress reliever for years. However, it won’t be much- 10 miles a week or so. I think a couple of miles every few days isn’t overkill at all, and I always feel amazing after a run. I’ll still do weights as I never stopped that.

I’ve been asked about my diet and exercise routine over the past few years and how that’s changed, so I’ll probably get a post up about that sometime soon.

In the meantime, I’m keeping my fingers crossed this cycle isn’t like 60 days long or some crazy shit, but now that it’s already longer than 35 days long, it probably doesn’t even matter. I love October, and I have some things to look forward this month that will keep me preoccupied 🙂

Do you suffer from irregular periods or not ovulating every month?

Can this be hereditary?

Any advice or suggestions?

Breathing Again- Trying to Conceive and Marriage

 

I didn’t exactly know how to title this post, and just do so you know- when I think about this topic, I tend to be all over the place.

To begin with- I know there are so many couples that battle infertility for YEARS. I am letting you know beforehand that we cannot comprehend what you are feeling. My thoughts about what we have endured so far are based on the past year or so… and obviously my husband’s deployment has put a mad stop to everything for nine months.

Trying to conceive and getting knocked up accidentally or without trying are entirely different. I shouldn’t even have to explain why. However, this post is going to discuss how the miscarriage and the months TTC again have affected us as a couple, as well as myself.

When found out that we were pregnant on July 7, 2013, everything became a whirlwind. Tyler had JUST gotten home from NIE (field training for 6 weeks) and I was taking 4 summer classes (and had 6 left in the Fall to finish up). We had some issues with ultrasounds and blood work during the early weeks but thought we were in smooth sailing after the nine week mark past. Honestly, the thought of miscarriage was always in the back of my mind because of the early weeks.

I vividly remember looking into the mirror one day around 6 weeks asking God that if something were going to happen to please let it be early on…I know, completely irrational. I questioned myself whether or not to even say this on the blog, but that, among other things, is why I question God. I know he doesn’t answer all requests and that things could have been much, much worse, so please don’t attack me. 😉 He took a shat on that request I made though. For several months after, close family and friends would say that they were praying for us. I truly appreciate this, but Tyler doesn’t believe in that stuff and I got fed up with it. Sorry, but true.

Anyways, the past fourteen months have brought Tyler and I closer together than I thought possible, but that doesn’t mean we have not had our fair share of arguments or that it hasn’t put strain on our relationship at times. I’m not going to air our dirty laundry, but I want to give some insight to let those that are struggling or have struggled know that we are not perfect.

 

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Elephant Butte… sucked donkey! Late June, 2012.

Here’s one instance: We were sitting outside a laundry-mat waiting for our comforter to get done (I was afraid our washing machine would break if I tried shoving our king-sized comforter in it). Tyler was talking on the phone to his parents… and I heard him say the name that we’d chosen should the baby be a boy…and I seriously think steam came out of my ears I was so mad. Not even mad- angry. (note- I was asked several times by my mom about names and I told her to put a lid on it).

My reasoning behind this- can’t we a keep secret between ourselves? I wanted ONE thing to be between us- husband and wife- and it really hurt me. He was adamant on finding out the sex of the baby beforehand which I kind of wanted to refrain from doing (I definitely want to know now because of the miscarriage, but not sure if I want everyone to know), so keeping this between us was important to me. Does there really need to be more reasoning? The woman is the one who carries the darn baby!

You know what? A week later we found out that I miscarried. I cried over what happened, but remember, I didn’t have my D&C done for nearly two weeks later. I can recall replaying this awful fight in my head on my way home from class one day  and actually pulled over because I couldn’t stop crying (not dramatizing this, babe). Keep in mind that “it” was still inside of me for two weeks after the news…so my hormones were off the chart.

I know people are excited when pregnancy news arises- I get it. It could have been anyone that asked this simple question and I would’ve gotten upset- not at them by any means, but at his response, haha. I think we will both be keeping one foot on the ground until we are holding a newborn in our arms…and the only important thing during those nine months is mine and the baby’s health. Moral of the story is that I may have been illogical with my reason to get upset, but shit happens and we all have to compromise….and sometimes things are too important to us that we may choose not to compromise and want to get our way, haha 😉

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Our weekend getaway to Phoenix after everything. Needed a weekend away to help heal.

We argued over baby items…cribs, strollers, car seats, monitors, high chairs- pretty much everything, haha. We registered pretty early on (at 11 weeks), but did so because TJ was going back to the field for 6 weeks and by the time he’d get home, I would’ve been 5 months pregnant (and in school full-time), and we figured that our shower would be when we were able to come home at Christmas since I was due in early March.

All I’m saying about this- I’m so freaking glad that we got these discussions out of the way. Tyler’s a researcher and I’m more of a hearsay kinda person…CLASH! We’ve already purchased a few items for our future baby after we came to an agreement (yep, stroller and car seat are out of the way!).

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Outside of my old apartment in Gilbert, Arizona. Tyler made me get out and pose in front of it, haha. Moving to AZ then moving home was a turning point in my life…

As far as intimacy…it became a chore for a few months. I was obsessed around November/December- charting my basal temp and using ovulation strips all the time. Those strips RULED my mood. If I was mid-cycle and the tests came back negative, I was annoyed. When they were positive, I was ecstatic. It didn’t matter though because I believe that my progesterone was probably so low during these months (I wasn’t monitored during this time), and we obviously had no positive results. People say that you’re more fertile after a miscarriage, but this is not always true. I was still crazy about my husband, but it simply isn’t the same when things are kinda forced to reach a desired goal. Those that have tried and tried again know what I mean!

His deployment came fast and unexpected. I’ll be almost 30 when TJ gets home, so I hope people stop saying “you’re so young”. Tyler is three years older than me, but I know men can have kids until they’re like effing 70 or something. He had a sperm analysis done earlier this year and everything came back normal, but he will have one again when he gets home (the test is done once a year for those trying to conceive). It’s crucial to get it done as soon as he gets home because sometimes the vaccinations that the soldiers have to get beforehand can effect their sperm.

When you hit 30, you’re considered to be old when trying to conceive a first child in the military. For real. I honestly could give a fugg because we’re probably more financially secure than 98% of the much younger crowd popping out kids, yet it still tugs at your heart once in a while. However, I make myself put things into perspective:

*I have a Bachelor’s college degree and a decent job.

*He has two Bachelor degrees and is an Officer in the Army.

*We have two awesome, fairly new vehicles paid off.

*He has NO college debt (though I have a good lump sum, haha).

This shit may be all monetary, but in all honesty, children cost money. It could potentially cost us a lot to finally have baby, so at least we will be somewhat prepared if that’s what it comes down to 🙂 (obviously we are hoping not- hopefully my body will be so shocked when he comes home that it’ll grab ahold of a good one 😉

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While I we still yearn for a baby one day, I can seriously say that it feels good to just breathe again. No more frequent doctors appointments (only one visit to the lab each month) and constant testing for weeks straight. No more hoping then getting hit with disappointment…at least for a while. Our miscarriage brought Tyler and I closer together, and I know deep down that this deployment will only further strengthen our relationship.

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We may not think the same way, see eye to eye on all issues, but this man is my everything. It’s okay to disagree. TTC will take your relationship to a place it’s never been before. Have date nights and don’t constantly talk about things. And remember to always keep why you fell in love with the person in the first place in mind.

*On the surface, I fell for Tyler’s perfect smile and face (sounds super weird, haha), especially in a baseball hat (I have a thing for hats people…)

*Once we started talking, I knew this guy was motivated and was going to do something with his life. HOT.

*He likes the good things in life, but he’s financially responsible. He doesn’t take hand-outs and has bought his own shit. Admirable.

*He’s honest. Sometimes too honest and I wanna kick him in his balls, but he’s always been honest with everyone.

*He doesn’t love just anyone. This guy is picky. How did I get so lucky?! Don’t answer this, haha

If you’re having issues with your marriage when you’re trying to conceive, hang in there. Though we only ventured into fertility medication, feel free to message me!

 

If you and your spouse struggled to conceive, did it effect your marriage at all?

Were you guys super couple and never argued at all??

To everyone- tell me your BEST marriage tip!

 

Quick Fertility Update- September 2014

This one’s gonna be short as there isn’t a whole lot to discuss. However, I do have slightly good news 🙂 As noted in my last fertility post, I’m going to get my progesterone levels monitored each cycle even though TJ is gone. We want to see if there’s a pattern or whatever without any medication….so it’s solely up to my body 🙂

Anyways, I got a call from my current doc early in the morning before work. I knew the number on my phone (PRIVATE)….and took a deep breath to prepare myself for the results.

My progesterone was at 6.8 on cycle day 21. I am NOT using at-home ovulation test strips while TJ is gone; however, in the past, I have and I’d usually receive a positive opk around cd17-19…then you add 7 days and go in and get your blood drawn then. I was happy with this score because it’s the highest it’s been without meds! All of my progesterone results were below 2 (I believe I had one at 3.2) the past 9 months.

My current doc said it may have been a combo of gaining a few extra pounds and stress relief. I gained some weight, but how the fuck am I under less stress now to make such a change seeing that my husband is in a war zone across the world? However, aside from the constant worry and unexpected stressors (our computer took a crap on me and I can’t get our weed wacker or lawn mower to start), I’m actually feeling less stressed overall. While I was in school, I was constantly doing work to get ahead and ensure I got A’s on literally everything- I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t a complete idiot after many semesters of not doing so hot back in the day, haha. This definitely paid off, but looking back I was in constant fear that I would fail again. After I graduated, I was freaking out that I wouldn’t find a decent job, and that I’d get stuck working somewhere that I hated making minimum wage. Obviously I have slight anxiety issues.

Those were things that I felt like I had control over- so I stressed. My husband is constantly in the back of my mind, but this is a situation that I simply cannot control. I don’t even know what the hell he is doing over there! Of course, I have my absolute shitty moments and cry my eyes out, but there is honestly nothing I can about it but remind him how much I love him and that things okay around here.

Anyways, cheers to some higher progesterone. Although we don’t know the direct cause, and it could have been a fluke (as our pregnancy was said to be), I’m eager to see what the next few months hold. The ultimate feat will be to see if I have a “normal” cycle- meaning less than 35 days long.

 

 

I will write a post about thing I’ve done differently in the past few months. I’ve gained a few pounds and stopped running long distances and doing high intensity interval training (I still do bursts of sprints, but it’s not balls to the wall every other minute like it used to be) which was recommended by my general doctor and obgyn (along with several nurse friends). This is somewhat of a touchy subject seeing that every one is so incredibly different when it comes to this shit. Some women can run fricking marathons and get pregnant.

If you’re running excessively and not conceiving, I’d really examine your training as it can deplete hormone levels (which should be monitored if you don’t pregnant after several months of actively TTC). This simply blood test every month (or sometimes multiple times a month) can tell you so much. If you’re hormone levels are fine, then obviously there is another underlying issue. There is a TON of information out there that links working out and conception… so if you don’t believe me, Google it 😉 In addition, hormone levels should be monitored when using any type of fertility medication. Ideally, vaginal ultrasounds should truly be utilized as well because meds can create issues, such as over-stimulation of the ovaries. Why put yourself at risk? I’d never take medication and not be monitored in some manner, but that’s just me 😉

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Parks are much different in El Paso 😉

 

Anyways, stay tuned for a post about that, as well as the emotional aspects that go along with it. I still plan on gaining about 10 more pounds by the time Tyler gets home (I’m sure well before then since it’s quite a ways away…wahh). Also, I’m happy to report that I started a natural menstrual cycle on cycle day 32! Not everyone has perfect 28 day cycles… and I’ll take anything around day 30. Now let’s see if it can stay consistent over the next several months 🙂

 Have you ever had to change parts of your lifestyle when trying to prepare or trying to conceive?

Have you ever been told to gain/lose weight and increase or decrease your activity level when trying to get your body on track for a baby?

Time is Not on Our Side

Time is a funny thing. Some days seem to drag ass while others don’t have enough hours in the day to accomplish everything on our “To Do” lists. I think I jinxed myself when I got the word “Time” tattooed on my wrist 8 years ago while on Spring Break…classy, eh? 😉 My ex and I (we were together 6 years at this point) had broken up for a few months, and I was in the midst of my floundering years; thus, Green Day’s Good Riddance’s song lyric, “Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go” was influential for me, haha.  Anyways, I’m flipping the bird with both hands at you right now, Time. I’ll explain why…

If you’ve been reading my blog you know that I’m the wife to an army officer and that our first pregnancy resulted in a missed miscarriage at 3.5 months. We’ve been struggling to conceive again since. With my abnormal cycles combined with Tyler’s NIE’s (field training exercises) twice a year, our time is more limited than other couples, but we’ve been excited to finally see things rolling along. We expected him to be gone from September-October/November which was a little aggravating knowing things would have to be put on hold again if we didn’t conceive before then.

What we didn’t expect was for him to get orders for a 9 month deployment. Evidently, time is not on our side.

I wish I could rewind back to the evening he told me and re-do the whole scenario. Long story short- I was absolutely terrified, sad, and while this might sound odd or mean, really effing pissed off (not at him- at the situation). My initial thought was his safety. I don’t live up his butt or anything, but this man is my absolute life. I’ve been crazy in love, head over heels for him basically since the night he walked into my life.

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Bumper cars at the fair- first summer together! Loving my sexy outfit and hair 🙂

 

My thought process:

WTFFFFFF.

I’m scared for him.

How in the WORLD can we try to have a baby if he’s deployed?

I’m scared for him.

I’m going to be living in this armpit for 9 months with minimal friends and no family.

I questioned God last year and people’s attempt at comforting words such as “I’ll pray for you” and “It’s all in God’s time” is complete bullshit. If you’re there, why keep steering us off road? Why, dude? WHY???

I’m scared for him.

I don’t know much and I’m a roller coaster full of emotions right now, but I know a few things for sure.

I’m going to be as positive as possible.

I’ll have my moments of weakness and probably pitch a few fits (let’s be real, people), but I will exemplify strength and independence for Tyler.

Blogging will probably become my outlet and help make time go by.

I’m grateful for our dogs for comfort, the few friends I have here for support, a home with a security system, and a job to help time pass, and family from both sides.

I love waiting for everything in life! Just kidding 😉

 

I’ve been getting better with enjoying life in the present moment, but it’ll be interesting to try and enjoy the little things when I’m crapping my pants everyday in worry. This is NOT a pity party- thousands of spouses do this…it’s just a new experience for me, ya know?

We’re both extremely bummed about the entire situation. Everything literally happened within a matter of fourteen days, and we were really hoping for some pregnancy news by the end of the year. It’s his job though, an he’s damn good at it. And yes, I knew what I was getting myself into before I said my vows, but it doesn’t  take away the fear and sadness.

Ironically, since he left, I have let the baby thing go. I still plan on seeing my OBGYN (I’m in the midst of switching) and trying to attain normal cycles. We are still going to monitor my hormone levels each cycle and hopefully throw some ultrasounds in there to look at things more in depth when it gets closer to his return. If there are still no answers as to why I’m not ovulating (or spontaneously ovulating as my current OBGYN said), I’ll be referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) before he gets home. Although here is only flipping ONE in El Paso and the wait limit is like 18 years, so we shall see.

Until then, here’s to a quick and safe deployment for my big bear. I love you, babe.

Has there ever been a period in your life when time was not on your side?

Thanks for reading my emotional vent today 😉