***This post was written in early September right after we just experienced another failed medicated cycle (Femara). Little did I know that I’d miraculously get pregnant this cycle…with no medication, only herbal supplements for us both (when I was on a medicated cycle I never took Vitex or Fertilaid as it can counteract with it, but I’d still take Pregnitude, baby aspirin, and drink fertility tea. Tyler was on Fertilaid for men and CoQ10 to help count and morphology). I did eat the pineapple core after ovulation which I had never done before. Anyways, I didn’t want to post this after I got the positive pregnancy test and I debated whether or not to delete it altogether, but I as I sat hear crying while rereading it, I vividly remembered the pain I felt all those months. I think it’s important to share as trying to conceive is an emotional rollercoaster.
I’ve had bouts of depression since high school. There, I said it. Now I don’t want to act like it’s been absolutely horrible because that’s certainly not the case, but it’s affected me and probably some relationships in my life at some point. Before I go any further, I want to say that I’m obviously no psychologist or therapist, but I’ve seen a handful over the past fifteen years or so. I’ve truly tried to analyze their perspectives and have taken what they’ve said into consideration as I’ve gotten older. One of the things that was often discussed was how I’d brush my feelings or problems under the rug and not deal with them. I acted as if they didn’t exist so I basically wouldn’t have to feel certain things…but then I’d get to the point of feeling so much, that I’d basically have a meltdown. Just kidding…kind of 😉
I’ve fortunately learned to recognize my feelings and understand that it’s okay and actually important to really feel them- even the negative ones. It helps you grow and change for the better. Now, instead of holding in my tears when I’m sad, pissed off, or frustrated, I cry. This post portrays certain emotions I feel throughout the duration of a cycle.
I just want to say:
It’s okay to feel sad and disappointed when you get a negative pregnancy test. Month after month of one line gets fucking exhausting.
It’s okay to feel excited when you finally start a new cycle. Yes, you’re pissed off that you’re not pregnant, but this is a fresh start and could be the month!
It’s okay to feel content when you’re on your period. You know there’s nothing you can do to procreate right now, so you just enjoy these next few days (as much as you can, haha).
It’s okay to feel anxious when you start using OPK’s (I use THESE tests and sometimes the more expensive ones by Clear Blue). I start testing on cycle day 11 and every day after that until I get a positive…if I never get a positive, I stop testing after day 20. Not worth my sanity or money 😉 It’s disappointing when you see negative ovulation tests. I almost always think, “F this- I want some sushi” and flick it in the garbage. But you keep on swimming, hoping that the next day the line is darker.
It’s okay to feel over the fucking moon when you get a positive OPK. I’m almost always at work when I’m testing (second long held pee of the day), so I hopelessly take a test each day around the same time, and as they get darker, I want to go do cartwheels. For real. Nevertheless, I restrain myself and send my hubby the positive test photo. Funny how sexy pictures were a priority and always sent while dating (still do to keep it fresh!)….and how things have changed 😉
It’s okay to do whatever you think might help get those little men to your egg. Using Pre-Seed or Conceive Plus, doing various positions, propping yourself up with pillows afterwards while your hubby heats up your dinner and brings it to you (hope to God I’m not the only one that does this), doing handstands, using soft cups (Google it if you don’t know what they are, haha).
It’s okay to take it easy after you think you’ve ovulated. Working out has become less of a priority, but it’s great to walk, do light weights, and yoga.
It’s okay to also turn down invitations. I’ve learned that I don’t need to attend everything- just the important things. Don’t go to baby showers or gender reveal parties if you’re struggling. Honestly, who the fuck had a gender reveal party 10 years ago? Or even 5? Don’t get me wrong, they’re cute and all, but come on now. (Ok, these are cute, but I was upset).
It’s okay to seclude yourself if that’s what you need. I know- relationships are a two way street. Sadness should not consume your life and there will be good days and bad. However, just because you want to be alone or not engage in social activities, doesn’t mean that you don’t want to keep in touch or that you’re weak. You simply gotta do you right now.
It’s okay to get anxious as you reach the end of your cycle and to debate on whether or not you should test. Part of you still feels a glimmer of hope. When you test and it’s negative, you feel defeated yet again (although if you’re a maniac and test WAY too early, then it could be too soon to detect any HCG).
It’s okay to research the shit out of every random pregnancy related symptom that comes to mind (I’ve Googled some weird ass things people. #noshame ;)) But STOP YOURSELF. It’s okay a few times, but it’s going to drive you freaking crazy and only cause more unnecessary stress.
It’s okay cry after the test is negative. I’ve become numb to it so I don’t anymore, but that doesn’t mean that it still doesn’t sting.
It’s okay to drink a
bottle glass of wine when you start your period. And order sushi To-Go. Then eat sunny side up eggs for breakfast the next morning and get Subway for lunch with turkey deli meat.
It’s okay to go home to your husband and just asked to be held. Not only do you feel disappointed, but you feel like you let him down again.
The point is- it’s okay to truly FEEL. Let yourself engage in emotions. I know when I bottle up feelings or issues I have kept inside for too long, it isn’t pretty, nor is it healthy. When you’ve been trying to conceive for months on end, you kind of become someone else in way. You think about certain things in life differently and your thoughts and actions often revolve around what time of the month it is. And you absolutely cannot relate to those that “weren’t even trying” or it only took one or two months for. In fact, it hurts hearing that kind of stuff…
Can you relate to emotions fluctuating throughout a cycle?